
Class^RA<t.Qj_ 



Book 



Copyright N° 



JO 



130^ 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



JLJi^ 



THE ISLE OF HOY 



THE ISLE OF BOY 



A Comedy 



BY 



THOMAS HENRY HALL CAINE 




NEW YORK 

D. APPLETON AND COMPANY 

1903 



^ Ht L'LKAl.'V OF 
CONUHtbb 

Two Copies Kecai«eo 

JUN 6 IQ03 

CLASS J^ XXc N«. 

( 'i lo \ o 

COPY B. 



V 



Copyright, 1903, bt 
THOMAS HENRY HALL CAIXE 



No. 



CHAllAC/lERS 



. Of tlui Tsk of Hoy. 



GOVKUNOR 

Bisnoi' 

Judge 

Seneschal 

Head Constable 

Postmaster 

The Mayor 

»]5„j/' — The Gover7ior's Soji. 

RuBiNA— 7'Atf Governor's Wife. 

Agatha— 77t<^ Goij^rnor's lJaa(jlder. 

"Daddie" 

"Mammie" 

Lesta I>ii.y 



ScEXE. — The Isle of Boy, a dependency of the 
British Crown. 



Time. — Any time. 



The Author desires to acknowledge his obligations 
to the celebrated Russian Comedy, "The Re- 
visor," but to say that the motif and construc- 
tion of his comedy arc, to the best of his knowl- 
edge, original. 



ACT I 



ACT I. 

Scene : — A room in Government House. Doors 
right and left. Window and balcony at hack. 
Table covered with blue-books, etc., usual appoint- 
ments of an official department. Telephones, etc. 
Desk for Secretary. (Private Secretary sitting 
at desk.) 

Enter Footman with letter on salver. 

Footman. For His Excellency. {Goes out.) 
Secretary {looking at letter). "Whitehall"! 
{Shrugs his shoulders.) More trouble for the 
Lieutenant-Governor. {Rises to put letter on 
table as Governor enters.) Letter, your Excel- 
lency. 

Governor. "Treasury" ! ( Tears open letter 
and reads. ) What's this .'' "Dear friend and bene- 
factor, having received so many and such particu- 
lar proofs of your friendship"^ — {Mutters over 
letter. ) Good Lord ! Prince Henry — incog- 
nito ! Here's a pretty kettle of fish ! 

11 



Secretary. Anything I can do, 3'our Excel- 
lency ? 

Governor. No ! Yes, that is to say — tele- 
phone instantly for that double-eyed dunce, the 
Head Constable. (Secretary takes up telephone.) 
Oh, wait ! Talking into telephones is like whisper- 
ing into the ear of a woman — you know what goes 
in, but the devil only knows what comes out. Take 
a sheet of paper and write — Quick, quick, quick ! 

Secretary'. I'm ready, sir. 

Governor {dictating). "Dear friend and re- 
spected colleague — " 

Secretary (writing). " — respected col- 
league." 

Governor (dictating). "I have just received 
from secret sources a very important piece of 
news ! A royal Prince, cruising on his yacht, is 
likely to put it at the Isle of Boy. He will pretend 
to be a private person and may come at any time, 
if he has not already, arrived — and is at this mo- 
ment staying somewhere incognito — " 

Secretary'. " — incognito." 

Governor. Wonder if the ignorant ass will 
know what incognito means! No matter! (Dic- 
tating. ) "Therefore I beg of you to exercise your 
usual wisdom and discretion in this delicate and 
difficult matter. Let a sharp look-out be kept on 
all yachts entering and leaving the bay, and lest 
our royal guest should be already ashore in the 

12 



disg'uisc which it has pleased him to adopt, let 
cvoj'j liotel be visited and every exceptional-look- 
ing visitor sagaciously interviewed — " 

Secretary. " — interviewed." 

Governor. Hope the green goose won't 
imagine that means the newspapers. (io on, 
(dictating) "I need not tell a [)ul)lic servant of 
your great intelligence and ex})erience to regard 
these instructions as strictly confidential, hut you 
will oblige me by comnuniicating innnediately 
with the Judge, the Bishop, the Mayor, and the 
Seneschal, and request them to step up to me 
without a moment's delay." 

Skcretary. " — a moment's delay!" 

(iovKRNOR (dictating). "Yours in frantic 
haste-— Lieutenant-Ciovernor." ( Hinging bell. ) 

Secretary. " — Lieutenant-Governor.*' 

(Governor signs letter, puts it in enve- 
lope and gives it back to Secretary.) 

Governor. By messenger — at once. 

Secretary. At once. (Skcrktauy goes out.) 

Footman enters. 

Governor. Tell your mistress and my daughter 
that I wish to see them instantly. 
Footman. Instantly, Excellency. 

(Footman goes out.) 
Governor. Here's a pretty business! Incog- 
nito! Why incognito? Why in the devil's name, 

13 



\ • 



V 



incognito ? ( Walks to and fro, slapping his fore- 
head:) I have it ! I have it ! 

Enter Wife and Daughter of Governor. 

Ah, Rubina ! And Agatha, my child, come here — 
I have something to tell you : a Prince is coming to 
visit the Isle of Boy. 

Wife ( joy fully). A Prince.? 
Governor. Yes, a Prince ! Of the royal blood 
too. 

Wife. Well, I declare ! 

Governor. Here is a letter from that clerk in 
the Treasury — You know him, Rubina — the one 
I sent the little present to at Christmas. He tells 

me Prince Henry 

Wife. The young Prince! Shall we have him 
here ? 

Governor. He will pretend to be a private per- 
son and come in disguise. 

Daughter. How extraordinary ! 
Wife. How jolly! But there'll be receptions 
and processions and dances — will there not.? 

Governor. Rubina, my darling, you are a 
dunce. Why do people travel incognito.? 

Wife. I don't know, unless they are trying to 
prevent anybody from knowing them. 

Governor. Precisely! And why do people try 
to prevent anybody from knowing them.? 
14 



Wife. I dun' know, unless they've been doing 
something. 

GovERNOK. Or are going to do something. 
Great celebrities and great criminals always travel 
incognito when they are going to do something — 
something serious, something disturbing. 

Wife. Goodness me, you don't mean that ! And 
yet I might have known. I had a sort of presenti- 
ment of it. All last night I dreamt of spiders. 
There were four of them — so black and enormous. 
I thought I was a fly and when they seized hold of 
me in bed 

Governor. My dear, you must get the spare 
room ready. 

Wife. The spare room.'' 

Governor. He may arrive at any hour, if he 
has not already done so. 

Daughter. But if he is to come in disguise 

Governor. Leave it to me, my child. Mean- 
time have the spare room ready. 

Wife. But there's Bill. 

Governor. Which Bill? 

Wife. Why, otir Bill, my dear. The poor boy 
is coming home from Cambridge. 

Governor. Send him back. Tell him not to 
come. 

Daughter. But he is coming on such a partic- 
ular end : he has fallen in love, papa. 

Governor. The booby ! 

15 



Wife, He wants to toll us all about the lady, 
and to ask yoi^ii" permission to marry her. 

GovEiiNOR. Bah ! 

Daughter. She's so bright, lie says, so clever — 
and if she's poor she's so pretty and if she's little, 
she's so sweet. 

Governor. Pickles! Send Master Bill a tele- 
gram to say his room will probably be wanted for 
more important company. 

Wife. But he has telegraphed that he is to ar- 
rive this afternoon. 

Governor. Then put him in the loft, the stable, 
the hen-coop — anywhere. I've something better to 
think of to-day than a boy with a head full of love 
and flim-flam. 

Enter Footman. 

Footman. His Honour the Judge, the Bishop, 
the Mayor, and the Seneschal ! 

{The Ladies go out.) 

Four Elderly Men come in — grotesque figures 
in blacJi, long, old-fashioned coats, silk hats — 
All very solemn and severe. 

Governor. Sit down, gentlemen, sit down. 

{They sit in a half -circle — the Gover- 
nor in the middle.) 
I have called you together, my dear and esteemed 
colleagues, to hear an alarming piece of news. 

16 



Judge (a red-nosed person). Yes, we know. 
We hoard something from the Head Constable. 

GovEiiNou. Where is the Head Constable? 

Bishop. Gone to the post-office to consult the 
postmaster. 

Gov EK NOR. Good! 

Seneschal. But who is the Prince that is com- 
ing, your Excellency? 

GovERNOK. What — didn't I mention the name 
— Prince Henry ! 

Judge. The young Prince Henry? 

Governor. He is coming incognito! 

Bishop. Extraordinary ! 

Mayor. Simply extraordinary ! 

Governor. Incognito, you understand. There 
must be some meaning in that ! What do you think 
about it. Bishop? 

Bishop {with the manner of the pidpit). What 
do / think about it, your Excellency ? I think it is 
a deep political move of some sort. Probably Eng- 
land intends to make war on some foreign nation 
and is sending the young Prince to see if she can 
rely on the support of the Isle of Boy. 

Governor {derisively). Ah, you've got it! 
You know a thing or two. The idea of England 
relying on tlic Isle of Boy ! Why, we've only two 
soldiers in the place, and one of them is the old 
pensioner who keeps the Castle — and the other goes 

17 



hopping about on a wooden leg. What do you say, 
Seneschal? 

SENESCirAL. I say it looks serious — undoubt- 
edly serious. But why should we think the young 
Prince is coming to do us harm.'' Why not to do 
us good.? Isn't he to come of age shortly? — and at 
royal festivals of that sort isn't it usual to give 
away titles and decorations and orders and so forth ? 
Now, who knows but the King has sent the Prince 
to see for himself which of us is worthy 

GovERNOK. Pooh! As if titles were in the hal)it 
of chasing people around like that ! It's the other 
way about, my friend ! Titles are like women : you 
follow them about until you get them, and then you 
tell everybody they followed you. But what do 
you say. Judge? 

Judge {taking a nip of spirits out of a flask, then 
clearing his throat and speaking with a judicial 
air). I say, your Excellency, there's no reason to 
suppose the young Prince is coming on ])ublic busi- 
ness at all. Why not ])rivat(' business? The Prince 
is young and merry and fond of pleasure, isn't he? 
Even if he is a Prince, he is of the same flesh and 
blood as ourselves — you'll not deny that, gentle- 
men. And then the Isle of Boy is a little Elysium 
in the holiday season — and isn't this the holiday 
season, gentlemen? Heaps of girls, music playing, 
flags flying, dances, drinks 

Governor. Bosh! Girls indeed! What an 
18 



idea ! Do you think that with London and Paris 
and all the world to choose from, I, even I, when I 
want girls- — h'm — that is to say, in a manner of 
speaking, if I wanted them — But how do you 
feel about it, Mr. Mayor? 

Mayor, How do / feel? I feel — I feel — How 
do you feel, your Excellency? 

Governor. I? Well, I'm no coward, but I con- 
fess I feel a little — just a little uncomfortable. It's 
this cursed incognito that's on my brain. Why 
incognito? Why the deuce should a Prince of the 
royal blood come incognito to the Isle of Boy? 
Shall I tell you why? 

All. Tell us, your Excellency, 

Governor (in bated breathy drawing their heads 
together). Annexation! 

All. Never ! 

Governor. Yes, one after another the islands 
have been annexed, and we have escaped hitherto, 
but it's to be our turn next ! 

Bishop. You don't say so ! 

Governor {opening letter). I have an influen- 
tial friend in the Treasury. Listen. (Reads.) 
"Dear friend and benefactor — Having received so 
many and such particular proofs of your friend- 
ship — " H'm, family matters, you know. (Mut- 
ters over sentences.) Ah, here it is — "what the 
object of the visit is I do not know, but as it is a sur- 

19 



. prise visit it is probably intended to take you un- 
awares, so (lifting his finger and raising Jiis voice) 
I advise you to use precautions, and if there is any- 
thing in the administration of the Isle of Boy which 
you do not wish the King and the Government to 
hear about " 

Mayor. Good Lord, our time has come at last! 

Seneschal. Yes, the Government may be far 
away, but it sees everything 

GovERNOE. It may or it may not — Anyhow, 
gentlemen, I have warned you. You especially. 
Judge. Without doubt, when the Prince comes the 
first thing he will want to look into is the adminis- 
tration of the law, and when he finds that the Judge 
of the Isle of Boy is a drunkard 

Judge (rising indignantli/). A drunkard! 
What do you mean by a drunkard, your Excel- 
lency.'^ There are drunkards and drunkards. You 
wouldn't call a man a drunkard because he has the 
misfortune to get drunk — My doctor orders me 
to take a little whiskey at the end of a meal, and so 
I merely- 

Governor. You merely go on taking it until 
the beginning of the next — precisely! (Judge 
sits.) And then you, Bishop. (Bishop moves un- 
easily. ) I intended to mention it to you before, but 
somehow it escaped my memory. You represent the 
Church- — yet everybody knows you are a rank Athe- 
ist, and to hear you talk after dinner on the sub- 
20 



ject of the Creation is simply enough to make one's 
hail* stand on end. 

Bishop (rising). What has that got to do with 
the Prince? I've reasoned it out with my own un- 
aided intellect. 

GovERNOii. Perhaps so, but too much intellect 
in a Bishop isn't good for religion, and I wouldn't 
do it if I were you. (Bishop sits.) And then you, 
too, Mr. Mayor. (The Mayor moves uneasily.) 
You are the magistrate who grants the licenses, but 
when the Prince finds out that you are a publican 
yourself, in secret 

Mayor (rising). A publican.'' 

Governor. In secret, I say 



Mayor (sitting). Lord save us! 

Governor. And hold half the public houses in 
the name of your mother-in-law 

Mayor. I'll sell them all off to-morrow. 

Governor. I would recommend you to do so. 
And you also. Seneschal. 

(Seneschal moves uneasily.) 

Seneschal (mm^). A grocer! 

Governor. Well, a wholesale Chandler or Pro- 
vision Merchant — (Seneschal sits.) And you 
supply the prisons, and I advise you to see that the 
women have enough soap to wash their linen occa- 
sionally — and that the men sometimes have clean 
faces. Prisoners are not persons to be pampered 
with luxuries, I admit, but that's no reason why 

21 



they should always go about looking like chimney- 
sweeps. 

Seneschal {trembling). They shall have soap 
to-day, your Excellency, soft soap — oceans of it. 

Governor. As regards myself, of course 

All (groaning). Yes, of course! 
Governor {emphatically). Of course there 
isn't a man living who hasn't some little peccadil- 
loes to account for, and I'm sure to hear of mine 
now the Prince is coming. 
All. Sure to — sure to ! 

Governor. It seems that I'm unpopular with 
the Banks, merely because I hold a few overdrafts 
— and with the shopkeepers simply because I 
don't pay my bills. I always give them my 
I. O. U. and what more do they want.^ (SeniJschal 
and Mayor groan audibly and Governor looks 
severely at them.) But I believe there'll be some 
sort of complaint drawn up against me when the 
Prince comes. 

All. Certain to be ! Certain to be ! 
Governor {significantly). Not that I care a 
snap about that, and if you hear of anybody who 
wants to complain, just tell him to wait until the 
Prince has gone and I'll give him something to 
complain about. (Mayor and Seneschal groan 
again. ) But it's this cursed incognito that bothers 
me. I fully expect the door to open, and all of a 



sudden. {The door opens "with a hang and 
Governor rises with a gasp.) I knew it! 

The Head Constable and the Postmaster 
enter breathless. 

Head Constable {who speaks with a lisp). 
Such a piece of neAvs. 

Postmaster {who stutters). Su-such a fi-find! 

All. What is it — what is it.^* 

Postmaster. The Con-con-constable and 
I 

Head Constable. All right, Postmaster, let 
me tell it ! 

Postmaster. Al-allow me. 

Head Constable. No, no — you can't tell the 
story — you stutter. 

Postmaster. And you lis-lis-lisp ! 

Governor. Go on, for the Lord's sake, some- 
body. M}^ heart's in my mouth ! Sit down, gen- 
tlemen, take seats ! Postmaster, here's a chair for 
you. {They sit in a circle with the Postmaster 
and Head Constable in the middle and Judge 
and Bishop xvith their backs to the audience.) 
Well now, what is it? What is it.? 

Head Constable. Permit me- — permit me. 
Do let me tell the news. As soon as I received the 
message from your Excellency I rang up the 
Judge, the Bishop, the Mayor, and the Seneschal, 
and then went over to the Postmaster. 
23 



Postmaster. Y-y-yes, he ca-came over to m- 



me- 



Head Constable. To see if any remarkable 
kind of letter had passed through his hands — any- 
thing with a royal coat-of-arms on it — that would 
help us to trace the personage we want if he had 
already arrived on the island. 

Postmaster. Noth-noth-nothing, gentlemen, 
nothing ! 

Head Constable. But as luck would have it, 
the Postmaster — now, don't interrupt me — please, 
gentlemen, oblige me 

Governor. Go on, for Heaven's sake. 

Head Constable. The Postmaster was at that 
moment talking to one of his postmen who was 
reporting a peculiar circumstance 

Postmaster. Mo-mo-most peculiar ! 

Head Constable. He had delivered a letter 
every day for a week — with the Cambridge post- 
mark — always the Cambridge postmark — to a 
young lady staying at an inn on the 

Postmaster. Cl-closc to the fish-fish-market. 

Head Constable (nodding). Close to the fish- 
market. 

Postmaster. Kept by Peter Quiggan. 

Head Constable. Yes, kept by Peter Qifig- 
gan. 

Postmaster. His wi-wi-wifc presented him 

wi-wi-with a baby last week, a boy 

24 



. Hkad Constable. Good Lord! Will no- 
body 

Postmaster. Ju-ju-just like his father. 

Governor {rising in anger). Will you stop, 
Postmaster.? {Sitting.) Go on, Mr. Constable. 

Head Constable. Well, the young lady had 
turned out to be a young man. 

Governor. A what.? 

Head Constabi.k. Yes, your Excellency — 
when the postman took the letter this morning. 

Postmaster. Wi-wi-with the ('am-Cambridgc 
postmark 

Governor. Confound the Cambridge post- 
mark ! 

Head Constable. He opened the door of the 
sitting-room suddt-niy and beheld the young wo- 
man was a young man! (All lean back and 
tcfltistk' .) 

Hkai) Constable. When I heard that I said 
"Hello !" 

PosTMASTKii. No, / sa-said— "Hel-hell-liello !" 

Head Constable. Well, first you said it, and 
then / did. "Hello," we said. "There's some- 
thing up here." So off we go to the inn. 

PosTMAS'i'KR. On the qu-quay.? 

Head Constablk. On the quay 

Postmaster. Where the cir-circus pc-people 
stay. 

Head Constable. And when we get there we 

25 



peep into the room through the round glass panels 
over the door. 

Postmaster. Li-like this — {Lifts the arm of 
the Bishop to his head to make a loop). 

Head Constable. Yes, both of us, like this. 
(Lifts the arm of the Judge in the same tcay — 
they both look through with faces to the audience. ) 

Governor. Well, well, what do you see? 

Head Constable. We haven't been peeping 
a moment when in comes a young woman from the 
street 

Postmaster. Ra-rather goo-good-looking. 

Head Constable. Very good-looking. 

Governor. What is she doing? 

Head Constable. She is beginning to un- 
dress ! 

All. Oh ! Oh ! ( They look at each other. ) 

Head Constable. That is to say, a little at a 
time, you know— first she takes off her bodice — 
then she slips off her — (Indicates skirt). 

Judge. Order! 

Bishop. Really, gentlemen! (They break up. 
Business. ) 

Head Constable. Wc couldn't help it — we 
really couldn't — and before we knew where we 
were — it was a young man 

Postmaster. R-rather handsome and well — 
well-dressed. 

Head Constable. Very well-dressed — frock- 

26 



coat, white waistcoat, patent leathei* boots — that 
was walking about the room. "Hello," says I — 

Postmaster. No, — no, / said Hell 

Governor {rising again). Postmaster, you 
are a fool. 

Postmaster. Ye-ycs, yes, sir ! 

Head Constable. "Hello," says I. "Here's 
a lucky find !" Such a noble physiognomy, such a 
regal style, so haughty and distinguished ! And 
when he caught sight of the Postmaster peeping 
behind the door 

Postmaster. No, no, — the Con-constable ! 

Head Constable {brushing him aside). And 
looked like this — {imitating a majestic look), I 
had a sudden presentiment, and I said, "It's He!'' 

Governor. He.'' Who — what.'' 

Head Constable. Why the Prince who was 
to come incognito. 

Governor. You don't say so ! It can't be ! 

Head Constable. It is though ! Why, I 
called up Peter, and asked him privately : "Who 
is that young man?" I said, and Peter answered: 
"I don't know who he is, but his goings-on are 
peculiar. When he goes out he's a woman, and 
when he comes in he's a man." Yes, sir, and Peter 
said : "He's been here a week and he takes every- 
thing on trust, and doesn't pay a penny — and yet 
he sings all day long." 

Governor {rising and walking about mopinng 

m 



Ills forehead). If nuisl, \)v I lie I'l-iiico! Who I'l.sc 
could it be? Why sliould a man prclcnd to ho a 
woiiiJUiP Why should / pretend to he a woman? 

M.woK. I dun' know. 

(iovKUNOii; Why should /jou prclcnd lo he a 
woman ? 

Mayor. I never do, youi' I'iXc-ellency. 

(JovKUNOu. When a man pretends to he a 
woman it's for the same reason that a widow of 
forty })retends to he twenty-five — she's ^oin^' to 
dro[) down on some poor devil soon. And then 
why — why sliould anybody who can't pay a penny 
siiif^" — sinf>- all day lon^? 

Mavok. I ^ive it »ip, sir. 

(lOVKKNOR. It's even worse than I expected! 
When I first lieard ol' this cursed incognito I 
thought to myself — somebody will come and tell 
me a distinf^uished-lookinf^ stranf^er has arrived 
in a yacht and put uf) at the CJrand Hotel. But 
a low pot-house on the <juay ! In the disguise of 
a woman, too! (iood heavens! this means sf)mc- 
thing serious! {Mops his forehead and fans h'un- 
self. The others begin to groan.) How lon^r 
has he been here, do you say? 

Hkai) CoNSTAin.K. A week — a week come 
Wednesday. 

GovERNOii {throwing up his hands). A week! 
Jjonfr enouf^h to hear as much about the island as 
will ruin everybody! 

28 



Judge {taking' a nip of whiskey). Oh, dear! 
Oh, dear ! 

Seneschal. Yes, we shall all be sent about our 
businesses, and our little perquisites 

Bishop. Heaven have mercy upon us all as 
sinners ! 

Judge (takes another nip). Oh, dear! Oh, 
dear! (They all groan together — general busi- 
ness. ) 

Governor {standing by his chair and assum- 
ing the manner of a public speaker). Gentlemen, 
let me speak. All is not yet lost. On the contrary, 
I might say everything has just been found. What 
does the proverb tell us : "To be forewarned is to 
be forearmed !" We are forewarned. We know 
the young Prince is on the island in disguise. 
What, then, ought we to do? 

All. What, what.? 

Governor {with a knowing wink). We ought 
to take him by strategy. 

Bishop. Good! 

Seneschal. Splendid ! 

Judge {hiccoughing). Exactly what I say! 
Let us show him we see through his incog — {hic- 
coughing) — nito. 

Mayor. What do you think — hadn't we better 
go down to him in a body in gala uniform? 

Judge. Jus' so! I'll pu' on my wig and gown. 

29 



Mayor. And I'll put on my mayoral robes and 
chain. 

Bishop. And I'll put on my 

Governor. Bah ! Bosh ! Perhaps you would 
like to bring up the town band, and the town crier, 
and the bell-man ! No, no, leave this matter to me. 
I've had ticklish jobs before now and I've pulled 
them off all right. I flatter myself I know a thing 
or two. The Prince goes out as a woman, does he.'^ 
Very well, I'll play up to his little game. He 
makes believe to be poor, to be nobody. All right 
— I'll feed him with his own sweet chaff. (All 
laugh — Governor rings hell and calls.) Jenkyns, 
order round the carriage innnediatcly. I'll go 
down to the inn at once. 

Judge. And I^ — I'll go with you. 

Governor. No, you won't. You'll go home 
and souse your head and see if you can make your- 
self sober. You've put water in your spirits long 
enough ; put your spirits in water for a change. 

Bishop. Quite right, but I'll go with you, your 
Excellency. 

Governor. No, nor you neither. You'll go 
back and burn your atheistic books — fire and re- 
ligion have gone together pretty well; see if fire 
and the other thing will do the same. 

Head Constable. Certainly ; but I'll go with 
your Excellency. 

Postmaster. And I 

30 



Mayor. And mo — me too. 

Governor. No, none of you. You'll all go to 
your own departments and see that everything is 
right there. . What docs the proverb say — "Let 
everybody sweep before his own door and the street 
will be clean." So let each of you take hold of his 
own door — I mean his own street — hang it, no, I 
mean his own broom — (CaU'mg off.) Jenkyns! 
Where's Jenkyns! Somebody run to my room, 
sharp, d'ye hear, and fetch my new hat and cane! 
Jenkyns! Jenkyns! {He goes off'. TJw others 
look at each other significantly — then conic close, 
put their heads together and play the scene in an 
undertone. ) 

Head Constable. Sh ! Come here ! Listen ! 
This Governor is playing a deep game. Having 
found out the Prince by my instrumentality 

Postmaster. And mi-mine, Mr. Con-constable. 

Hkai) Constable. Well, yes and yours — hav- 
ing found out the Prince by our instrumentality 
he is going to keep him all to himself. 

Judge. The villain ! 

Hkao Constable. Yes, he's going to drive up 
to I'eter Quiggan's in fine style, with his new hat 
and cane, and his coachman in livery, and tluii it'll 
be {bowing profoundhj) "Your Royal Highness" 
here and "your Royal Highness" there, and none 
of us y)oor officials permitted to come within fifty 
paces of tlic Prince. 

31 



Judge. The double-fuccd villain ! 

Head Constable. More than that — he is go- 
ing to make complaints against us, so as to get us 
all dismissed, and rule the roast himself. 

Bishop. Traitor ! Judas ! 

Hkad Constable. And when the Prince is 
gone he'll walk over us like a cock over a dunghill, 
and his head will be swelled to such a size that he'll 
have to use a shoe-horn to put on his hat. 

All. The tyrant! 

Head Constable. Sh! Don't make a noise. 
Shall I tell you what we ought to do? We ought 
to get hold of the Prince first. 

Judge. Exactly what I say. 

Head Constable. Yes, we ought to approach 
him one by one. I'll go first. 

Bishop. No, I'll go first — as Bishop, you 
know 

Mayor. No, I'll go first as Mayor 



Seneschal. No, I'll go first as Seneschal 

(Judge and Postmaster make drunken and stut- 
tering efforts to speak). 

Head Constable. No, no, no! I'll go first as 
Head Constable. I'll — yes, I'll — that's it — (zmnk- 
ing all round). I'll go on an official tour of in- 
spection to see that all taverns and inns are pro- 
perly conducted and all visitors to the Isle of Boy 
receive due consideration. 

Judge (hiccoughing). Capital! 
32 



Head Constable. Then we must get up 

something — let me see 

Mayor. A public address — eh? 
Bishop. Or a little testimonial, perhaps- 



Head Constable No, no, no. I know ! He's 
travelling in disguise and pretends to be poor — 
hum! It's risky, very risky. But we certainly 
ought to make the attempt. 

Judge. What attempt .? 

Head Constable {nudging him with elbow). 
You know what I mean. Judge. 

Judge. Palm oil.? 

Head Constable. Yes, lot us try a little palm 
oil. If the Prince takes our money 

Bishop. As a poor traveller, of course 

Head Constable. Of course as a poor 
stranded traveller. If he takes it he will think — 
"How well those officials do their duty: their dis- 
cipline and phllantln-opy is wonderful — perfectly 
wonderful — incredible!" And then the island is 
ours ! 

Judge. Capital! {All chuckle.) 

Head Constable. And when this rascally 
Governor comes along, he can take our leavmgs! 

Judge. Hurrah! {All chuckle.) 

Governor. {Voice of Governor within). 
Jenkyns! Where the deuce is Jenkyns.? 

Head Constable. Sh ! He's coming! Let's 
be off ! Strategy indeed ! Others can play at that 

33 



game, your Excellency! (All gathering up their 
tall hats and creeping off on tiptoe. Grotesque 
business. ) 

Judge {taking another nip). Drunkard in- 
deed! 

Bishop. Atheist forsooth! 

Seneschal. Grocer, eh.'* 

Mayor. Publican, if you please ! 

Postmaster. Foo-foo-fool, am I? 

Head Constable. Sh! now! sh! {They are 
all gone except Postmaster who is last zvhen 
Governor returns.) 

Governor brings in his cane and a hat- 
box — puts hat-box on the table. 

Governor. Jenky — Hello, where are the 
others ? 

Postmaster. Go-gone, sir ! 

Governor {buttonholing him). All the bet- 
ter! Look here, Postmaster, I know you. A 
friend in need is a friend indeed — in act and deed 
really. You are my friend, Postmaster, but those 
other scoundrels, I believe they've got petitions 
against me under their coat-tails already. {Looking 
round furtively.) Now, don't you think. Post- 
master, don't you think you could keep an eye — on 
the Prince's correspondence during the next few 
days, and slightly — just slightly — open any letters 
— eh? For the public benefit, you know, to see if 

34 



tl)ey c-oiitiiiiiod ;in_y tiling suspicious- — aii^lliiiig- 
against luo, in fact — couldn't you? 

PosTMASTEii. Le-lc-leavc it to nie, your Ex- 
xlncy ! I al-always do that from pu-pure duty. 
I'm dc-dcath on du-duty — and when I sec — see 
anything sus-sus-suspicious 

(jOVkrnok. Tlianks, friend! Thanks! (iood- 
bye ! (Calling. ) Jcnkyns! Postmastkr going 
off' bumps against Footman coming in hurriedly.) 
Hello, Jenkyns! Where the mischief have you 
been hiding yourself? 

Footman. Mr. William has — arrived fiom 
Cambridge, your Excellency, and Fve been tak- 
ing his portmanteau u})stairs. 

(iovKRNOR (fluttering about in excitement). 
IJill? Come on that fool's errand, has he? But 
Fve something better to think of than Master 
Bill ! Run to the door and see if the carriage is 
ready. Or wait — (Jet me my new white gloves. 
There — inside the hat in the hat-box. (Footman 
opens hat-box, hands gloves, etc.) Now run — run 
to the carriage and see if the door is ready — Quick, 
quick ! ( Footman goes out hurriedly — bumps 
against Bill corning in, followed btj his mother 
and sister.) Oh, it's you, is it? 

Bill. Yes, dad. Fve come from Cambridge 
expressly to speak to you. 

Governor (pidling on white gloves). Fve 
hoard all about that, so you can save your breath 
35 



to cool your porridge. (Going.) I've an im- 
portant matter on hand to-day — most impor- 
tant 

Wife. But let the boy speak, dear. 

Daughter. Yes, let the poor boy speak, papa. 

Governor. Well, speak, speak, speak! Who 
is she ? What is she ? Where does she come from ? 

Bill. She's Lesta Lily, dad. 

Governor. Lest her — what? 

Bill. Lesta Lily, the famous artiste. She 
sings, you know. 

Governor. Oh, she sings, does she? And who 
are her family? I suppose she has a family. 

Bill. Yes, dad, she has a father and a mother, 
a sister and a brother. 

Governor. No more? Is that all the kinds 
she's got? 

Bill. All the kinds she's got at present, dad. 

Governor. And what is her father? 

Bill. He sings too, dad. 

Governor. Does he now? And her mother? 

Bill. She sings also. 

Governor. Is that so? And I suppose her 
brother and her sister 

Bill. Yes, they sing as well, dad. 

Governor. So they all sing, do they? You'll 
sing, too, if you go any farther with this prepos- 
terous business — you'll sing small. Blockhead 
and bumpkin ! Do you think I've lived all my life 
36 



in cotton-wool and don't know what these people 
are? Why didn't you tell nie at once that a son 
of mine wanted to marry a music-hall singer? 

Bill. There arc music-hall singers and music- 
hall singers, dad. Lesta Lily is a great music-hall 
singer — but that is not all — she's a lady, a real 
lady. 

GovERNOK. And her father? Is he a real gen- 
tleman? And her mother — and brother and sister 
— are they all real ladies and gentlemen? {Laughs 
contemptuously.) Where did you meet her? 

Bill. In Cambridge — she was singing at a 
theatre in town, and I went every night to sec her. 

GovKKNOR. And that's what fathers send their 
sons to the University for! What's a University? 
A place where an old fool })ays while a young fool 
plays ! Where is she now ? 

Bill. She's in the Isle of Boy, dad. 

Governor {with a gasp). What? Has it gone 
as far as that? 

Bill. / didn't bring her. She came over to 
play an engagement, and I thought it would be a 
good opportunity to introduce her to tlie family, 
sol 

Governor. You did, did you. You thought 
you would like to shunt the whole travelling troupe 
on to Government House — her father tlie real gen- 
tleman, and her mother the real lady, and her 
brother the clown, and her sister the ballet -dancer. 

37 



Bill. Say what you like, dad; whatever her 
family may be, Lcsta Lily is a lady, a sweet, modest, 
refined little lady — and I love her ; with all my heart 
and soul I love her 

Governor. Rats ! 

Bill. — And if I'm not allowed to marry her, I'll 
marry nobody else in the world. 

Governor. Dare say not ! Nobody else will 
have you. But I won't argue with you — you 
booby! Only don't bring your singing birds into 
this house, or I'll tell Jenkyns to shoot them out 
again — straight! {Going off.) 

Footman returns, talcs hat out of hat-box, brushes 
it, and stands, holding it, by the door. 

Daughter (weeping). But, papa! 

Wife (also weeping) . Husband! 

Governor (coming back). Music-hall troupe, 
indeed! And just at the moment when we are ex- 
pecting a Prince to honour us with his presence ! 

Bill. A prince? 

Governor. Yes, sir, a prince! A royal prince! 
He has been on the island a week. 

Bill (bewildered). A week.? 

Governor (mimicking him). Yes, a week — a 
week come Wednesday. 

Bill (more bexmldered) . A week come Wednes- 
day! 

88 



GovjiiiNOK. Staying at Peter Quiggan's on the 
quay. 

Bill (zeith increasing bewilderment). Peter 
Quiggan's on the quay ! 

GovEENOR. Incognito, d'ye understand? No, 
you don't understand. You are too stupid ! But I 
know a thing or two, and I've penetrated his dis- 
guise, and now I'm going to fetch him up here. 

Bill (amazed). Fetch him up here? 

Governor (mimicking again). Yes, fetch him 
up here. And your mother is getting the best spare 
room ready — so don't bring your mummers here, 
sir, while the Prince and his suite arc about, or I'll 
pack you off along with them. (In his excitement 
and confnsion he picks up the liat-hox in mistake 
for his hat.) And don't talk to me about marrying 
your Filly — or Nilly- — or Silly — or I'll — I'll cut 
you off with a shilling — a shilling, d'ye hear.'* — a 
shilling — and you'll be damned glad to get it! 
(Governor puts the hat-box on his head and 
strides off in high dudgeon. ) 

Footman (following him). Your Excellency! 
Your Excellency ! That's the hat-box, not your 
hat ! 

Curtain 



39 



ACT II 



ACT II 

Scene : — Inside of Inn on the Quay. Dilapidat- 
ed place, much out of repair — very picturesque, 
timbered ceilings and fireplace, old English, half- 
timbered style. Doors have large glass panels at 
top. Through windows the harbour is seen, with 
fishing boats, etc., and cliff {quarried) at back. 
Sun is shining, lower half of windows throxim up. 
Table on left serves first as dressing-table, then 
as writing-table, finally as sideboard. Piano, fire- 
place — two basket trunks with "L. L." ''Profes- 
sional luggage" painted on them. 

Curtain rises on Lesta Lily, centre, a young 
lady in female dress but wearing a man's silk hat 
and an eye-glass, and with a walking-cane under 
her arm, rehearsing a song. Her mother, a mid- 
dle-aged ''professional with a mop of yellow hair 
is playing the piano. 

Lesta, Once more, Mammie ! (Mother plays, 
Lesta sings, acts the character, breaks off and 
piano stops.) 

41 



Lesta. No, no, tliat's all wron^*;. I know how it 
ought to be (lone;. Try again, Alannnie dear. 
(Mother plays a^oin, and again Lesta plays and 
acts.) ''i'hat'jl fetch 'em, Mannnie darling! Hut 
how can a girl J)lay a man's part in a woman's 
frock? My wig, Manunie, and my light grey suit. 
{Sits at dressing-table on left and proceeds to 
make up. Mother opens basket trunks and takes 
out wig, which she puts on the table, and frock 
coat, waistcoat, and trousers, which she shakes out 
one by one in view of audience and lays over the 
back of chairs.) 

Mother. Rehearse in character, indeed! Wliy 
rehearse at all, / say.'' What's the good of going 
on rehearsing when there's no prospect of an en- 
gagement ? 

Lesta (humming a tune as she makes up). 
Don't lose heart, Mannnie. Daddie has gone to sec 
the Manager of the Palace this morning — and 
even if that fails — Hello, here he is ! 

Enter Elderly Man, "professionally'' dressed, 
seedy, gloomy, and morose. 

What luck, Daddie.? 

Daiujie. Luck! Don't talk about luck on this 
God-forsaken rock in the sea! Dinner served yet.'' 

Mammie. It isn't going to be. This morning 
the landlord sent up word that he can't let us have 
anything more until we pay. 

4£ 



Daddik. I'jiv ! In this beastly little islund 
they'll give you nothing without you pay. It's 
simply disgusting! Deuec t;ike it, I'm hungry. 
1 took !i stroll along the front, thinking my uf)- 
pctite would go. Hut not ;i hit of it. I'm jis rav- 
enous as ever. See if there's any tohaeco in tlic 
pouch, mannnie. 

MoTHKR. Tohaeco.^ Vou smoked tiie lust two 
days ago, and the tobacconist says you can't have 
any more unless you pay. 

Daddik. Pay, pay, f)ay ! I'm sick of the word 
pay. You would think that it was tfie only word 
in the English language, the way it monopolises 
some people's conversation. 

Lrsta {still vialcing up). King for the waiter, 
Daddie. 

Daddik (tugging at bell rope). I'll have to do 
something — there's a noise in my inside like the 
trumpeters at the Tower. 

Enter Waitek, untidy, insolent. 

Ah, good day, my friend! And how are we now, 
eh? 

Waiter. Pretty well, thank you I 

Daddie. Business going nicely.'' 

Waiter. Middling nicely. 

Daddik. Plenty of visitors? 

Waiter. Plenty. 

43 



Daddie. Just so. Look here, my friend, we 
liaven't had our dinner hrought in yet. Just 
hurry them up in the kitchen, won't you? 

Waitek. But there isn't any dinner. 

Daddie. Isn't any.'' What nonsense! 

Waiter. Well, there is some, and there isn't ! 

Daddie. How so.'' 

Waiter. Only for the gentlemen as pays. 

Daddie {to IjESTa). Upon my soul, this is get- 
ting monotonous. 

Waiter. The landlord says he'll give you no 
more until you settles up. 

Daddie. But you reason with him, my friend 
— talk him over — speak seriously to him. We are 
hona fide travellers, and if other people are eating, 
hang it all, why shouldn't we.'' 

Waiter. More than that — he says he doesn't 
believe you are h'artistes at all, but a family of 
sharpers — the sort that comes to a 'otel and makes 
theirselves at home and runs up a bill, and then 
you can't get rid of 'em. 

Daddie. The scoundrel! Did he say that? 
I'll have him up for libel and slander! I'll brief 
the best lawyer in the land, and if 

Waiter. And if you don't pay within twenty- 
four hours he says he'll send for the Head Con- 
stable and have you clapped in the Town Gaol. 

{Exit Waiter.) 

Daddie. There's gratitude for you! You pat- 
44 



ronisc the man's greasy hostelry, and he talks of 
the Town Gaol! (Putting his head out of door 
and shouting after waiter.) Hello, there! Your 
landlord is a thief and a scoundrel, and I siiould 
like to tell him so to his teeth. 

Lesta {still quietly making up). Go down and 
see the landlord yourself, Uaddie. 

Daddie. (iood liord ! What do I want to see 
him for? 

Lesta. Tell him it will all come right presently, 
and then he'll he sorry if he has made trouble. 

Dauuik. I'm sick of this sort of life, though, 
and don't know why the deuce I came. 

(Exit Daddie.) 

Mammie (on chair, centre). Don't know why 
he came ! I do. Because a foolish girl has fallen 
in love with a foolish boy, and they expect the 
world to stand still, or go round the other way 
while they bill and coo. But Nature don't copy 
its style from a dime novel. The young man is a 
Cambridge undcrgrachiate, and his father is Gov- 
ernor of the Isle of Boy, while you are a variety 
artiste — :and don't imagine anybody is going to 
forget it. (Lesta hums and sings '^My face is 
my fortune" etc.) 

Mammie. Is it.? Perhaps it is, but people don't 
take securities on face-value nowadays. Even if 
the boy's fine friends would allow him to marry 
you, do you suppose they want him to marry me, 

45 



or daddii', or Joi'V, or little Tildu? Tut the boy 
out of your mind, Li'sta, stick to our profession, 
work hard niid make a hit. 

Lksta {rising, putting her arms round her 
mother s neck from behind). I'm jjioin^ to make 
the hi^-^est hit of my life, INIammie. 

IMammik. Whei'e and when? 

Lksta. .lust here and now. Hill would have 
married me without askin^;' anybody's consent, but 
it wouldn't have been i'air to his father or to liim- 
self or lo me, or to Alaiiimie and I wouhhTl hear 
of it for a miiuile. IIi' and I are doin^' .a dan- 
gerous thiiifji', I know, but then love is a flower that 
often grows in dangerous places, and sometimes it 
tloui-ishes on the I'ocks, when it won't blow in the 
sheltered garden. Don't be afraid, Mammie! I'm 
no! ! Hill is lo cross to-day and to see his father 
this aftci-noon, and to-moi-|-ow we'll be as ha|)|)y as 
llie day is long. 

Enter I\Ii;sskx(:i;u Hoy /'// l)ic//(le uniform. 



Mkssknckr Hoy. Miss Lesta Lily, JMiss 



Lksta {eagerly). Letter for me.? {Exit Bo v.) 
From Hill! {'rearing it open). "Darling I^esta, 
I've just arrivi'd and seen the (Jovernor" — He 
has seen his father, Mannnie, and writes at once 
to tell us all about it. "Am sorry to say he has 
cut Uf) rough. Hefore I could get the words out 

46 



of my mouth he flew into a rage, said insulting 
things about music-hall people in general, and 
threatened if I brought you here to turn both of 
us out of the house. So your sweet little scheme 
for gaining his consent — And now he has gone 
post haste to your own hotel — having some crazy 
idea that a Prince, travelling in disguise — (Fal- 
ters, stops, breaks down, sits centre, covers her face 
and sobs). 

Mammie (putting her arms about Lesta's neck 
from behind). Never mind, little girlie! Never 
mind ! The old fool doesn't know what he's doing. 
But his loss will be our gain. We'll leave the 
island to-morrow and it will be all one in a hun- 
dred 3'ears, you know. 

Re-enter Daddie in great excitement, clapping his 
hands. 

Daddie. Here's a go ! The Head Constable is 
asking for Lesta ! 

Mammie. Then the brute of a landlord has sent 
for him ! 

Daddie. It isn't that. Such larks ! Such an 
adventure ! 

Mammie. What adventure.? 

Daddie. Sh ! Sh ! The Governor of the Island 
received information this morning that young 
Prince Henry was to come incognito to the Isle of 
Boy. So not to be caught napping the sly old dog 

47 



sciil Ilis IIcjkI ( '<)iisIhI)I<' roiiiifl llic Inns luitl Ifolcls 
l() see if by cliancc I lie I'rincf luul Mrrivcd ulrcjuly. 

Mam Mil:. Will? ( Li'.sia iinc.o'cvrlnf^ her face 
runs Ihroiii^h her Idler {i^arn. ) 

I)Ani)ii':. Well, il sccins llic ( 'onsldhic cuiiic here 
jijso, ni\(\ calciiliif^' n ^liinpsc of" I,csIm, rcjicursiii^' 
in in llicsc (siuilchhi^' ii /> Iroiisrrs ami li(tl(/in^' 
lliciii out) 111' )nni|)(il In llif coni'liision, Coi- suinr 
roiSDii, llial sill' was llir Pi'incc IravilJin;^' in (lis 
^•ilisc. 

Mammii;. Wlial nonsense! 

Daddii;. The (lovernor believes il, liion^^li, and 
lie is coniin^' lo see her. 

Mammiic. 'I'lie (lOVernor coniin^^' lo see lii'sl/l? 

Daddii;. The (Joveinor and all his salellilcs. 

MammiK. Well, I declaic! 

DaddiI':. More than llial, Ihe landlord has fallen 
into Ihe lra,|) loo, and we are lo have as niii(-|i din 
ncT as we please. Dinner, dinner, dinner! {('Uij) 
pijif^ his IuiikIs (iikI vapcrhif!; round.) 

Mammii;. What's to he done /ilioiil il ? 

Daddii-;. Done ahoiil il ? I'^ai il, of course, he • 
fore Ihe fools find out their mistake. 

Mammii;. lint what's to he done ahoiit the (iov- 
eriior when he comes to see Lesia, niider the inipreH- 
sion that she's the |*rin<'e in dis^Miise.'' 

I.i;s'rA {Icajnn^ n p with face fnll of rcsolufinn) . 
l"'ool him to tli(! I,()j) of his beni, t hal.'H wIiuI.'h to 
be done.'' 

48 



Mammie. Lesta ! 

Lesta. He insulted me, didn't he, — he said I 
wasn't fit to marry his son, and if I crossed his 
threshold he would turn me out of doors. 

Daddie. He did? 

Lesta. Very well, he shall take me over his 
threshold himself. He shall go down on his knees 
to me. 

Mammie. My goodness ! You don't mean you'll 
pretend you are the Prince? 

Lesta. Certainly, I will ! We all will ! For- 
tune has thrown these people into our hands, with 
their mare's nest and moonshine, and we arc not 
mummers if we are incapable of munnnery. 

Dahdie. Good, great, glorious ! Count me in 
every time. Let me see ; I'll be your valet — no, 
I'll be — that's it, I'll be your father, the King. 

Lesta. You'll be my equerry and friend — 
And, Mammie 

Daddie. I know — Mammie will be your Lady 
of the Bedchamber — I mean your Lady in Wait- 
ing — I mean — h'm — Mammie's the difficulty, isn't 
she? 

Lesta. Mammie will be your wife, and my old 
nurse. 

Daddie. Splendid ! 

Mammie. Goodness me! But if the real Prince 
should come in the meantime? 

49 



liKSTA. Let liiiii ! 'I'lic prcsciil is ours we'll 
work it for all it's worth. {(ratlicrinf>- up 7nale 
attire). Conic )ilonf>- Mjuiuiiic ! Help mo to ^vt 
into this flininncry ! I know what it is to he u 
woman let me feel what it is to he a man ! [ 
know what it is to he poor and insif>nificant let 
me Hnd out what it is to he rich and ^rcat ! 'I'o he 
a woman and to he poor as the world <^()fs is to 
he courted and degraded, fiattcred, and HJuuned — 
to stand in a market-place where jou pay but arc 
never paid — to he present at a feast wliere you 
serve hut may not he served- io he low enough for 
man's lust hut not hi^h enough for his love! Oh, 
I don't know whose fault it is, hut it's wicked and 
cruel and unjust, and now I'm ^oin^- to he re- 
venged! {Breaks into hysterical laughter, and, 
singing and goes in, followed by Mammik). 
(Knoelcing at door, u.) 

Daddik. ''I'lie Satellites ! 

Lksta (putting her head in at door, i..). T hear 
them coming, (iull them, fool them; bleed them, 
fleece them, Daddie. (Her head goes in.) 

Daodie. Sh! Now for business I (Straight- 
ening himself up and assuming a high style). 
Come in ! 

Enter Head CoNSTAjn.K in full uniform. In lisp- 
ing he pronounces "*" as "th." 

Head Constable. Your master is not at home 
apparently.'* 

50 



Daddie. Always at home to you, Colonel. 
He'll be out presentl}'. 

Head Constable. Thanks! (Aside). Sup- 
pose I must begin to use palm oil here! (Aloud, 
slipping coin into Daddie's hand). Tell me, my 
good man, what is your master.'* 

Daddie. What is he? 

Head Constable. I mean what is his rank.'' 

Daddie. His rank.^ Oh, the usiud rank. 

Head Constable. (Aside.) One nmst be a 
little bolder with this gentleman. (Aloud.) He's 
a — a — general, isn't he.'* 

Daddie. A general.'' (Contemptuously.) Did 
you say a general.'* 

Head Constable. Is he higher than a general 
then.? 

Daddie. Oh, much higher. 

Head Constable (cr^irf^). I knew it! (Aloud.) 
So you're having a little tour together, are you.'* 

Daddie. Decidedly — undoubtedly. We're hav- 
ing a little tour. 

Head Constable. A private tour, eh.'* 

Daddie. Oh, strictly private! 

Head Constable (aside). How close we are! 
But the rascal will soon melt under my manage- 
ment. (Aloud.) Tell me now, what does your 
master pay most attention to on his little private 
tours ? 

51 



Daddie. Well, to tell jou the truth, he seems 
to me to pay most attention to the police. 

Head Constable (alarmed). The police! 

Daddie. He's fond of asking questions and 
finding out all about them. 

Head Constable (aside). Lord save us! 

Daddie. But most of all he likes being well en- 
tertained. 

Head Constable. Well entertained .'' 

Daddie. That is to say he likes his servants to 
be well entertained. Coming away from an island 
like this, he'll say, "Well, Sidney," that's my name 
— "Well, Sid," he'll say — "have they treated you 
well?" "Shabbily, your Highness," I'll say. "Re- 
mind me of that when we get back to London," he'll 
say. And then it's God help that poor island and 
everybody in it ! 

Head Constable (terrified). Good Lord! you 
don't sa}^ so! (Taking out his pocket-book.) He 
doesn't mind putting up at an old hotel like this 
though ? 

Daddie. No, he doesn't mind putting up at a 
frousy, grousy old hotel like this. 

Head Constable (slipping bank-note into Dad- 
die's hand). But that's all part of the game, per- 
haps, eh, Sidney, eh? 

Daddie (taking it). Yes, that's all part of the 
game, perhaps, eh, Colonel, eh? (They nudge each 



K0 



otlier -with the elbow, mink and laugh immoder- 
ately. ) 

In the midst of their laughter Lksta enters, dressed 
in male attire and assuming the character of the 
Prince. 

Lest A. Here I am at last! 

Daddie (aside, pocketing the bank-note). H'm ! 
He needn't have been in such a deuce of a hurry, 
though! (Exit Daddie, n.) 

Head Constable (with great trepidation). I 
have the honour to present myself : I am Head Con- 
stable of the Isle of Boy. 

Lesta. Ah, liow d'ye do? Take a scat. 

Head Constable. It is my duty, as Head Con- 
stable, to take all due measures to prevent visitors 
from suffering inconvenience. Therefore, if you 
have anything to complain of in this place 

Lesta. Nothing whatever! True, the house is 
not all that one may have been used to, the attend- 
ance leaves something to be desired, and the food — 
Well, yes, the food 

Head Constable (gathering confidence). Or 
if you arc in temporary want of funds, I am ready 
to oblige you, because it is — ahem !^ — my duty to 
assist visitoi's. 

Lesta. Did you say funds. ? Well, since you 
are so kind, it would perhaps — — 

Head Constable (handing a roll of notes). 

53 



Say no more, sir — sny no more! Don't trouble lo 
count it. (Aside.) There, tliank Heaven! He 
has taken my money. 

Lesta. Thanks, very much ! I must say I am 
very iiiuch shuck by the open-heartedncss and 
generosity of the officials in this islaiul, and when I 
get back to London 

Head Constable (eagerly). Ah, you are too 
good ! It is easy to see you are an exceptional visi- 
tor, a most excej)tional visitor, and if — if — when 
you return to London, tiie King should ever speak 
of the Isle of Boy, perhaj)s you will say, "May it 
please your Majesty, that is the island where the 
police — the police always do their duty !" 

Lesta. Certainly! I shall be haj)py ! I like the 
company of the police. Some people don't agree 
with me, but what would society be without the po- 
lice.'' Am I not right.'' 

Head Constable. Absolutely right, sir! 
(Backing out.) Pardon me, troubling you further 
with my presence. 

Lesta. Don't mention it ! 

Head Constable (aside). Ilui-rah ! 'J'he isl- 
and's ours! (Eant Head (.'oxsjable.) 

Re-enter Daddie, stifling his laughter. 

Lesta. How do you like it, Daddie? 
Daddie. Rare! But there's another of 'em 
coming! Hush! — he's here ! 

54 



Enter Judge, in wig and gown, with bank-notes 
crushed in his hand. 

{Exit Daddie.) 

JvuGK (aside). Oh, lord! How my knees knock 
together! {Steadying himself against table, cen- 
tre, and speaking with difficulty.) Your Ex — I 
mean your High-^your Royal — I have the honour 
to pi-esent myself: I am the Judge of the Isle of 
Boy. 

Lesta. Ah! Take a seat! 

Judge. Hearing from the Head Constable that 
an exceptional visitor has arrived — I came to pay 
my respects 

Lesta. Quite right ! I'm very fond of agree- 
able company. But pray be seated. 

Judge {still steadying himself by table). 
Thanks ! I can very well stand. 

Lesta. No ceremony — I beg ! I entreat ! 
{Jvv)v.K makes a dive for a chair and sprawls into 
it.) 

Lesta. So you are the Judge of tiie Isle of Boy ! 
You find it profitable, I daresay, being Judge here.^ 

Judge {alarmed). Profitable.'' 

Lesta. Such a sober and well-})rincipled people, 
you know ! I should think they must leave you 
nothing to do. 

Judge {aside). Oh, Lord! somebody has been 
and told him. 

55 



Lesta. Nothing but to spend your time and 
your salary in enjoying yourself. 

Judge (sl'ips off chair on to his knees). Your 

Ex-ex-ex — your High — your Royal High 

(Gasps.) 

Lesta, What's the matter? 

Judge (hiccoughing). Have pity on me ! Don't 
ruin nie! Only give mc time to repent. I have a 
wife and small children — Judge for yourself, sir, 
the salary I get is hardly sufficient for bread and 
cheese, and how can I spend it in drink.'' 

Lesta. Certainly you can't! 

Judge. It's all the lying of that Governor. 

Lesta. What a shame! 

Judge (hiccoughing). He says I'm sometimes 
speechless on the bench. 

Lesta. What nonsense ! And you with such a 
marvellous flow of language, too ! But what have 
you got in your hand there? 

Judge. Noth-nothing, sir. 

Lesta (helping him up). Why, it's money! 
Look here, lend it to me. I've run a little short, but 
as soon as I get back to London, I'll return it to 
you. 

Judge. It's quite unnecessary — the honour of 
lending to your Ex — I mean your High — In fact, 
I spend all my salary on distinguished visitors, one 
way and another. 

Lksta. I'm sure you do. 

56 



JuiKHo (rising uy'ith difficulty), l^ixcusc my in- 
ti'iision, sir. 

Lks'J'A. Don't iiicritioii it, ,Ju(|o(.. I |i|<,. t|,(. 
society of lawyers. What would the world he with- 
out lawyers, I say? 'J'hey're not like the j)oliee, 
who are all scoundrels, or like the clergy, who are 
all hypocrites, 'i'hey are so ^cneious, so sincere. 
Am I not ri^ht, Jud^c? 

JuDOK. Quite ri^ht, your Kx-ex-li-ncy ! {A.sidc.) 
Hur — (hiccough) rah! The island's ours! 
{Makes a plunge for the door and ftiUs through if 
headlong. ) 

He-enter Daddii:, choking xnnth laughter. 

Daddik. Oh, I shall hurst I Hut I hci'e's another 
of 'eiri coming! The last was a ^iill, this is a raven ! 
Sh! 

Enter the Bismoj', in full costuvi^'. 

(Kxit Daduiic.) 

liisiroi'. I liavc the honour to present myself: I 
am Bishoj) of the Isle of Hoy. 

Lesta. You're welcome ! Take a seat ! People 
think me eccentric, hut I like the com|)any of Bish- 
ops! Some say the clergy are all hypocrites, hut I 
don't af»;rec with them. They're not like lawyers, 
who would sell their souls for sixpence. A clergy- 
man's soul shines in his face. Isn't it so, Bishoj)? 
57 



Bishop. Quite true, sir. 

Lesta. And so you live here always.'' 

Bishop. Alas, sir, that is my fate. 

Lesta. Well, I like this island of yours. But 
perhaps this is the case described by the poet: 
"where every prospect pleases and only man is 
vile " 

Bishop. Absolutely correct, sir — it is the Gov- 
ernor in this island that is vile. 

Lesta. Is it possible.'' 

Bishop. There never was such a governor, sir. 
He makes everybody wallow at his feet. 

Lesta. What a scoundrel ! 

Bishop. More than that, he is always stealing 
off to Paris, and Heaven only knows what he does 
when he gets there. 

Lesta. My ! He must be a regular blackguard ! 

Bishop. And then his family, which ought to 
be an example to everybody, is simply the talk of 
the island. 

Lesta. You don't say so? 

Bishop. His wife and daughter turn up their 
noses at our wives and daughters, and as for his 
son 

Lesta. His son? 

Bishop. He has a son at Cambridge, who is go- 
ing to marry an actress. 

Lesta. You don't say so? 

Bishop. It's true ! A mere music-hall singer. 
58 



Lksta. Wliy, they're neitlur more nor less tiian 
a family of impostors! 

Bisiioi'. Quite right, sir. Hadn't I better put 
it all down On paper, so that you can take it away 
with you? 

Lksta. Do, hy all iticans. I shall he very g'lad 
to have it. 

Hisiioi' (rising). Thanks! I will not |)resume 
to occupy your time any longer. 

Lksta. Don't mention it! All you've told mc 
is very amusing ! \iy the way, a very funny thing 
has happened to me. I've somehow cleaned myself 
out in coming here. You couldn't now— could 
you? 

Bisiioi' (diving' into his pockets under his 
apron). Of course! I shall count it a great hapj)i- 
ness! I always keep a little about me for the pur- 
pose. Delighted to oblige you. 

Lesta. 'JMianks very much! 

Bishop (aside). 'JMie Lord be })raiscd ! The 
island's ours! (Backs out, bowing profoundly, 
humps against Dabdik, conung in. Bishop falls 
face forward on his hands, gathers himself up with 
xcounded dignity and goes. K.vit.) 

Daj)Dik. Oh! I shall die of laughing! But 
there are three more officials coming. 

Lksta. Three more! Seems to me there are a 
good many officials in this island. Are they all 
olficials? 

Da 1)1)1 1;. Sh ! Ilci'e they are ! 

59 



Enter the Mayor, the Seneschal, and the Post- 
master. Mayor in his red robes and chain, 
with cocked hat; Seneschal and Postmaster 
in evening dress. Seneschal carries a roll 
tied with red ribbon. Postmaster carries a 
silver salver. 

Mayor. I have the honour to present myself! 
I am the Mayor of this town. 

Seneschal. And I am the Seneschal of this isle. 

Postmaster (stammering). And I — I — I — I 
am the pos — post — postmaster. 

Lesta. Happy to see you ! Be seated, gentle- 
men, be seated. 

Mayor. But our rank is not high enough. 

Lesta. Never mind ! I don't care to stand on 
my dignity. Pray sit down, (They sit nervously.) 

Mayor. Hearing that an illustrious visitor has 
arrived, and that he was so gracious as to express 
himself to the Bishop on the subject of the Gov- 
ernor 

Seneschal. Who so grievously and unjustly 
oppresses us 



Mayor. Calling us publicans- 
Seneschal. And quacks 



Postmaster. And foo — foo — fools ! 
Mayor. Wc ventured to bring a little petition 
praying for his summary and immediate removal. 
Lesta. Quite right^ — let me see it. {Taking 
60 



roll from Seneschal: opening and muttering the 
first lines) "To His Imperial Highness — your pe- 
titioners humbly pray — " Is it signed? 

Mayor. Yes, sir, by every official on the island. 

Lesta. Good! I'll not read it at present, 
though! Keep it for the journey home. I like to 
read something amusing when I'm bored. But what 
have you got there.'' 

Postmaster. A lit — lit — little testi — testi — 
monial. 

Mayor. We thought if your Highness would aid 
us in our prayer 

Lesta. Ah, no ! Don't imagine that : I never 
accept presents for public services. But if you 
cared to offer me a trifling loan of, say, a couple of 
hundred pounds — just by way of showing your 
confidence — that would be quite another matter! 
(The Three Men rise in alarm and make sig7is at 
each other behind Lesta's back.) But perhaps 
you haven't so much about you. Well, if you 
haven't two hundred, let us say — ten. 

Seneschal (rummaging in his pockets). Have 
you got ten, Mr. Maj^or.'' 

Mayor. I've only one left. 

Seneschal. And I've only half a sovereign ! 

Postmaster. And I — I've only ha — ha — half 
a crown ! 

Lesta. Very well, let it be thirty-two and six, 
then ! I'll do with that ! ( Takes money. ) 

61 



Postmaster (offering salver). Take the tr — 
tr — tray also! Pic — pie — please. 

Daddie (aside, tugging at her coat-tails). Take 
it, you fool — take it ! 

Lesta. Well, if you wish it — merely as a matter 
of form, remember ! 

Mayor, Postmaster, Seneschal (together, 
Postmaster's stutter coming last). Pardon us for 
troubling you with our presence ! 

Lesta. Don't mention it ! It's a pleasure ! 
Come to see me again ! Often ! Very often ! ( Con- 
ducts them to door. They go off with solemn rev- 
erence. ) 

Daddie (suffocating with suppressed laughter). 
Oh, let out my sides ! Let out my sides ! 

Lesta (also rolling with laughter). Did you 
see old stick-in-the-mud in the gold chain.'' 

Daddie. And the old geescr in the glasses .f* 

Lesta. And the stut — stut — stutterer! (They 
drop into seats right and left and rock with laugh- 
ter.) 

Daddie. What a set of flats they are ! 

Lesta. And what a pack of rascals! 

Daddie. What fun when they find themselves 
deluded ! 

Lesta. Meantime they've served our turn beau- 
tifully. Here is their money and there is their peti- 
tion against the Governor signed by every man of 
them. If when the Governor comes he continues to 

62 



be impossible, let him look out for trouble! But 
if he is willing to come to terms, and the only diffi- 
culty is this wrangling, slandering crew of back- 
biters and blackmailers, let them on their part look 
out for me. They might as well go and hang them- 
selves as have the Governor know anything of this 
(indicating money) and this {indicating petition). 
I must write to Bill before his father comes. Ink 
and paper, quick, quick ! (Sits at side-tahle and 
zvrites at frantic speed.) 

Daddie. Very good ! I'll send it off by the 
landlord! (Calling off .) Hi there, mate ! You've 
got to take a letter to the post, and give it to the 
Postmaster himself and tell him to send it by special 
messenger to Government House. D'ye hear me, 
Government House! Look alive there! Stop, the 
letter isn't ready yet. 

Lesta (writing). Bill will die of laughing over 
this. 

Enter Waiter, very subservient. 

Waiter. The landlord's compliments, sir, and 
please may I lay the table.'' 

Daddie. Lay away, little cock-a-doodle ! You 
might have done so if you'd only mentioned it! 

(Waiter proceeds to lay table in great hurry.) 

Lesta (putting letter in envelope). There, that 
will do! 

63 



Daddie. lli^lit you are! {doing off with let- 
ter.) Look here, young 'un ! Y'ou'rc u smart chap 
— just get us something to cat while we're waiting 
for dinner. 

Waitkk. But there ain't nothing good enough 
for the likes of you — only plain stuff — till your 
master and the Governor is done. 

Daooii:. Well, but what plain stuff liave you 
got ready? 

Waiter. Only roast beef and potatoes and 
pastry. 

Daddik. Never mind! It doesn't matter! I'll 
eat it all. (Exit Daddik with Waitkr. As they 
go out, they cross the IjAndlokd, hacking in and 
bowing before the Govkrnor.) 

Landlord. His Excellency the Lieutenant- 
Governor! {Exit Landlord.) 

Lesta. Ah, how (Vy^i do, your Excellency! 
Take a seat ! 

Governor {aside). What a charming young- 
man ! What refinement of manners ! One can see 
at a glance he belongs to royalty. {Aloud.) Going 
my rounds in the performance of my duty, I 
dropped in casually — quite casually, to ascertain 
whether all visitors were being well entertained. 

Lesta. I am greatly obliged to you. Your offi- 
cials have been here already on the same errand ! 

Governor {aside). The rascals! So they've 
stolen a march on me, have they? (Aloud.) Ah, 

64 



yes, of course, certainly ! I sent them on ahead of 
me, because I am not like other Governors who 
never attend to their business. And lo ! as a reward 
for my pains, the occasion has presented itself of 
making this agreeable acquaintance. 

Lesta. Quite so! I am too delighted! With- 
out the kind assistance of your officials I confess I 
don't know what I should have done. To tell you 
the truth, I couldn't pay my bill. 

Governor (aside). Couldn't pay his bill! Oh, 
yes, fib away ! 

Lesta. I daresay you think I am some distin- 
guished visitor. On the contrary, I'm only a 
variety artiste. 

Governor (aside). Only a variety artiste! 
Well, he is a fine hand at spinning yarns ! 

Lesta. Yes, and my father before me was a 
variety artist also! 

Governor (aside). Just observe how he 
romances ! And drags in his old father too ! 

Lesta. We came over to the Isle of Boy to get 
an engagement and got broke — stony broke! 

Governor (aside). And he doesn't even blush! 
He wants his incognito kept up ! Good, Ave'll talk 
a little nonsense too! (Aloud.) Ah, but that 
makes no difference ! Rich or poor, great or small ! 
It's all one to me ! Yes, out of pure Christian 
philanthropy, apart from duty, I am determined 
to see that any visitor to this island is well treated. 

65 



Any other Governor, to be sui-e, would look to his 
own advantage, but, believe nie, when I lie down 
to rest my sole prayer is: "May His Majesty hear 
of my zeal and be satisfied." lie may, or may not, 
reward mc. That is as he pleases, but at any rate, 
my conscience is clear, I lonf^ for no honoiu's ! 
They are, no doubt, alluring, but to the u{)ri^ht — 
all dust and ashes — ahem! all dust and aslies ! 

Lesta. Quite true. I'm fond of spoutinf^ a 
little too ! 

Enter Daddik followed my Waiter with dinner. 

But won't you join me at dinner.'' 

GovEiiNOR. With the greatest pleasure in life! 
{Aside.) How delightful he is! What deport- 
ment! What style! 

Daddie {aside to Le.sta). The satellites arc 
here still ! 

Lesta {aside to Daddie). Where? 

Daddie {aside to Lesta). Listening under the 
window. (Governor and Lesta sit at table; 
Waiter serves; Daddie stands, i-.) 

Governor. Yes, I'm only too glad to labour 
in the service of the island, but I venture to point 
out to you what a head-splitting business the office 
of Governor is! And when you've got bad officials 
too 

Lesta {loudly). Bad officials.'' 

m 



Governor. Yes, sir, such is nij misfortune. 
(The tops of the hats of the Officials are visible 
bobbing up and down under the open window.) 
Tliere is my Head Constable, for example 

Lksta (loudly). The Head Constable! 

(iovKRxoR. A rascal, sir, a lonj^, lanky, lisj)ing 
rascal! (The head of the Hkaj) Constablk bobs 
up and down at bade with a look of horror.) And 
there is the Bishop ! 

Lesta (loudly). The Bishop! 

Governor. A bare-faced }iyj)Ocrite! He 
doesn't know the Lord's Prayer yet — he is always 
making' collections, and where the money goes to 
God only knows! (The head of the Bishop goes 
up and down.) And then the Judge! 

Lesta (loudly). The Judge! 

Governor. A doddering old drunken dunce, 
sir! (The head of the Judge goes up and doxvn.) 

Governor. And then the Mayor and the Post- 
master and the Seneschal, how Heaven allows such 

cursed old scamps to live (The heads of 

Mayor, Postmaster, and Seneschal bob up and 
down.) 

Lesta. Well, I declare! I never should have 
thought it ! 

Governor. Yes, sir! You may toil for your 
country's good, you may lie awake at nights, but 
when you've got the whole island on your own 

shoulders 

67 



Lesta. I feci for you. But, tell me, is it all 
work with you in the Isle of Boy? Have you no 
amusements? No theatres, no music-halls? 

Governor (aside). Oho, my young friend, I 
know what you're getting at! (Aloud.) Theatres 
and music-halls ? God forbid ! We haven't a the- 
atre in the island, and as for a music-hall, we've 
never even heard of such a thing ! It did once hap- 
pen that somebody came to me and proposed Nig- 
ger Minstrels, but I forbade it instantly, and I re- 
member I had a nightmare the night after. Lord 
forgive 'em — how can people waste precious time 
over such frivolities. 

Daddie (aside). Rats! (As the dishes are 
going out Daddie seizes them and helps himself.) 

Lesta. Well, I don't quite agree with you 
though. It all depends how you look at it. 

Governor. Oh, certainly, certainly ! 

Lesta. Don't say theatres and music-halls are 

not good now and then 

Governor. No doubt, no doubt 



Lesta. For my part I'm very fond of them. I 
own they're one of my weaknesses. Not the only 
one though — for instance, I'm rather susceptible to 
the charms of the fair sex — aren't you? 

Governor. I? Well, now that you speak of 
it 

Lesta. Come now, when you're in Paris, ch? 

68 



Governor. Oh, Paris? Well, perhaps in 

Paris 

Lesta {loudly). Aha, you're blushing! Don't 
get out of it that way. Confess now — You know 
all the pretty actresses, don't you? 

Governor. Sh ! Sh! For Heaven's sake! 
I'm a married man ! 

Lesta. Oho ! A married man ! And tell me, 
have you any children? 

Governor. To be sure I have — two of 'em — 
both grown up ! 

Lesta. You don't say so! — grown up! What 
are their names? 

Governor. Agatha, the girl, and William, the 
boy — we call him Bill. 

Lesta. Really ! You call him Bill ! I daresay 
Bill is fond of the pretty actresses, too? 

Governor. You may well say so. Why, he 
wants to marry one of 'em. 

Lesta. Is it possible? 

Governor. Yes, sir; a common music-hall sin- 
ger. The booby says she's a lady — a real lady. 

Lesta {kissing her hand aside). Bless him! 

Governor. And if I don't let him marry her 
he'll marry nobody else. 

Lespa. But — this is shocking! To go to Paris 
occasionally, and be on a nice friendly footing with 
a mere singer, that's one thing; but to want 
to marry her — that's another thing altogether. 

69 



Governor. It is ! 

Lesta. Tell me, who is she? Some trollop, I 
suppose ? 

Governor. He calls her Filly — Nilly — Silly — 
or something. 

Lesta. Is it Lily ? Lesta Lily ? 

Governor. The very name. You know her, 
then? 

Lesta. Of course I do ! A regular — tut ! 

Governor. I thought as much ! 

Lesta. I feel for you, my friend ! More than 
that, I'll help you ! 

Governor. You will — you'll deign to help me? 

Lesta. The boy is fascinated. I'll disillusion- 
ise him. He thinks there's nobody in the world like 
Lesta Lily. 

Governor. He does. 

Lesta. But I can do everything she can do — - 
sing all her songs, dance all her dances, just as well 
as slic ever did them, and better — fifty times better! 

Governor. Well? Well? 

Lesta. Well, I'll do them wherever you like to- 
morrow night, and so break his idol to bits. 

Governor (laughing and clapping his hands). 
Splendid ! Magnificent ! I'll be your debtor for- 
ever ! 

Lesta. It's nothing — nothing at all! But re- 
member, nobody must know who I am I 

Governor. Oh, nobody — nobody but ourselves. 
70 



And may I venture to ask — hut uo, I am un- 
worthy ! 

Lesta. What do you mean? 

GovKKNOu. If I mi<4'ht he so hold — I have a 
charming' httle room at (yovernment House — hut 
no, I feel it would he too great an honour. 

I^KSTA. On the contrary, I accept it with pleas- 
ure. My equerry and his wife, too — they will he 
happy to accept your hospitality also. 

GovKKNOii, I shall he too delighted. 

Lesta (rising). Hi, waiter, hring me my hill 
— quick! {Exit Waiter.) 

Equerry, pack my trunks — immediately. 

Daddie. Right you arc, my High Nobility. 

{Exit Daddie.) 

Lesta {to Governor). No time like the pres- 
ent — we'll go at once. {Goes in, singing and danc- 
ing. You hear her singing behind scenes until she 
reappears. ) 

Governor {alone). Aha! I've hagged the big 
prize ! And now, won't I pepper the gentlemen who 
tried to steal a march on me ! The peddling huck- 
sters ! The swaggering, bumptious, blowing 
blackguards! {He turns up stage, and at tJie same 
moment the figures of the Officials in a line rise 
simultaneously behind xvindoxv, and look at him zvith 
silent, grim, and reproachful faces.) 

Governor {in alarm). What are you all doing 
there? You've not been listening to my })rivatc 

71 



conversation ? Impossible ! You're gentlemen, 
real gentlemen 

Head Constable. On the contrary, we're 
long, lanky, lisping rascals, your Excellency ! 

Judge. And doddering, drunken dunces ! 

Bishop. And bare-faced hypocrites ! 

Mayor. And peddling hucksters ! 

Postmaster. And spy-spy-spy-spying sneaks! 

Governor {in a frightened undertone). Sh! 
Sh! D'ye want to ruin everything? Look here, 
if you'll hold your tongues I'll ask you to Govern- 
ment House to-morrow night — you and all your 
wives! There! Sh! He's coming back! (Les- 
ta's singing is heard approaching and the figures 
of the Officials go down again.) 

Enter Lesta in overcoat, and tall hat, with cane, 
etc., followed hy Landlord and Waiter — 
Last of all, Daddie and Mammie, dressed for 
the street. Mammie looks frightened. Dad- 
die is lighting a very big cigar. 

Landlord {to Lesta — opening paper). You 
were pleased to ask for 

Lesta. Ah, the bill ! Of course ! Equerry, see 
to this little matter — I can never make anything of 
their stupid accounts. 

Governor. Please don't let it bother you ! 
{To Landlord.) Get out of this — the money will 
be sent. 

72 



Lesta. Yes, of course — that will be best. 
(Landlord and Waiter come down r. and l. and 
shoulder basket-trunks. ) 

Governor (to Lesta). Do you propose to ride 
in your carriage, or will you go with ine in mine.'' 

Lesta. I prefer to go with you in yours. 

Governor. Delighted ! Charmed ! Enrap- 
tured! Do me the honour 

(Makes way for Lesta who goes out 
first in high style, singing as before 
and followed by Governor. The 
Landlord and Waiter are about to 
go next when Daddie intervenes with 
a lofty gesture, offers his arm to Mam- 
mie and goes off w ith a majestic 
stride, puffing his big cigar. Land- 
lord and Waiter are following with 
the dilapidated luggage on their 
shoulders when the heads of the Offi- 
cials rise behind to look after the re- 
tiring company and the Curtain 
falls.) 



73 



ACT III. 



ACT III. 

Scene : — The Gardens at Government House. 
Mansion on k. xvith steps down from a terrace. 
Garden and other scats right and left. In centre 
a tent or grotto, which can be used as a retiring 
room, and lit up from within. A fcza chairs for 
orchestra on terrace. Trees forming arch at back; 
with fairy-lamps hanging from them. Back cloth 
representing the sea. The action begins in sun- 
shine, goes on to deep sunset, followed by moon- 
light and ends zcith the fairij-lamps burning. 
GovEiiNoii's Wife and Daughter come out of 

house, in evening dress, with light wraps for 

garden. 

GovEiiNOu's Wife. There, Agatha, there's a 
man for you ! That's what I call a man ! Never — 
never before have I been in the presence of such 
a charming young man. I'm passionately fond of 
young men like that. Where's Bill, I wonder.'* 

Daughter. Not back yet, apparently. 

Governor's Wife. How tiresome! 
75 



Daughtek. When papa went off for the Prince, 
Bill went off for a walk — to walk off his disappoint- 
ment, I suppose. 

Enter Bill l. in walking dress. 

Governor's Wife. Oh, here he is! Bill, I'm 
surprised at you ! How can you permit your per- 
sonal feelings to overcome you at a moment like 
this.'' Don't you know what has happened .'' 

Bill. What.? 

Governor's Wife {in a zvhisper). His Royal 
Highness has come ! 

Bill {loudly). His Royal Highness.? 

Governor's Wife. The same that was men- 
tioned in the letter to your father. But incognito, 
you know, so we're to pretend we don't know who 
he is. 

Bill. And do we? 

Governor's Wife. Certainly ! You can see at 
a glance he mvist be a Prince. Such manners, such 
dignified ways ! At first your father thought there 
was going to be trouble; but, thank the Lord, 
everything's all right now. The Prince has ac- 
cepted our hospitality and we've just had dinner. 
Now he has gone in to prepare for the private 
theatricals with which he promised to entertain our 
people. 

Bill. Private theatricals.? 

76 



Governor's Wife. Well, songs, recitations, 
imitations — I don't know what they are, but your 
father wishes you to see them and he sent us out to 
find you. So run^ — run to your room and dress ; 
the Prince will begin presently. 

Bill. But tell me — what's he like — this Prince 
—young or old.^ 

Governor's Wife. Oh, young, very young, 
only two or three and twenty. 

Bill. Tall.? 

Governor's Wife. Quite tall. 

Daughter. INIamma, dear, he's short — as short 
as I am. 

Governor's Wife. Of course, you must con- 
tradict. He's tall. You're told he's tall — he's as 
tall as your mother. 

Bill. Is he dark or fair? 

Governor's Wife. Dark. 

Daughter. No, fair. 

Governor's Wife. Well, dark and fair. 

Bill {eagerly). Auburn hair.'* 

Governor's Wife. Exactly : dark auburn, and 
his eyes 

Bill {more eagerly). They're brown, aren't 
they.? 

Governor's Wife. No, blue — deep blue. 

Daughter. Mamma, they're brown — I looked 
at them myself, 

77 



GovKRNOii's Wife. And thrij looked at me, 
miss — iiuk'cd I noticed tluit the I'riiice kept look- 
in^' at nie all tlirouj^h diniier. 

Dai'c.htkk. Oil, nianuna, lie kept lookiiio- at 
me! 

GovKUNOu's WiKK. (let aioii^' with yowv nib- 
hish — your remarks are (juite impropi-r. 

Daughtku. IJvit, mamma, he did, he really did. 

GovKRNOu's WiKi'.. 'I'here you are — arguing 
again! 117^'// did he look at you, pray? 

1)aiu;iitkk. When he said I must sui-ely re- 
semble my brother he f^a/ed at me the whole time. 

(tovkkxok's VVifio. Will, perhaps he did look 
at you once or twice, but that was only tor the sake 
of" appearances. {Voice of Govkunok outside, 
^'Rubina.'"') There, {to \\\\.\.) there's your father; 
run away and retuiii (piickly. 

Hii.T. {going, (i.si(le). Tlu' Trince — twenty- 
three — aul)urn hair — brown eyes — sonj^s — imita- 
tions ! Oh, my head's fji;oing round like a wind- 
mill ! {Exit Bill, r.) 

Enter Govkrnok from IIou.se. 

Governor. Bill got back.'' 

Governor's Wikk. Ves, tlear; the boy's gone 
up to dress and will be down presently. 

GovERNOu (mopjring hifi forehead). Oh, I>ord, 
I haven't got over my fright yet! 
78 



CiOVKUN'Ou's WlKK. WllJ^ VvllJlt is tluiH' to 1)0 

f'ri^htfiu'd about r 

(lovKUNOu. Thfit's just like ii woinuii ! A hi^- 
vvi^ coiiics down on yon like a holt out oi the hhu', 
and she asks what is thei'e to bo frifjfhtened about! 

(Jovkunoh's Wikk. Well, I see nothing- in the 
Prince but a nice, polished, polite youn^" ^'eiil lenian, 
and it' there was ever any danger of trouble, Ihaiik 
lu-aven it's all over. 

(lOVKKNou. Ves, yes, l)ut it's a cpieer world lor 
all that. \ini ()U<;ht to be able to reco^-nise ^reat 
piople by their distinguished aj)pearance, but you 
can't, yon can't! Thei-e's the I'rince, a mere strip- 
ling'! And thert''s that old e(|uen"y, he draid-; so 
much at diinier and <;ave vent to such allegoi-ies and 
ambiguities that I couldn't make head or tail of 
'cm. 

(lOVKUNou's WiKi;. Sh ! lie's coming! 

Enter Dad die from house, gor^roimlij got up in 
grotesque evening dress and considerably 
elevated. 

Daddik. S})lcndid! Your dinner, sir, was splen- 
did ! Do you have a s[)i"ead like that (>very day? 

GovKKNou. Not every day; it was in honour of 
our distinguished guest. 

DADDri'.. Just so! He's fond of his dinner, too. 
In I act he's charmed with the way you have in this 
79 



island of showing your hospitality. In other 
places they showed him nothing. 

GovEKNoii's Wife. You have found your jour- 
ney very disagreeable, I fear? 

Daddie. Excessively so. After being used, 
comprencz-vous, to living in society — to find onc's- 
self all at once in a dirty inn i)i the depths of un- 
civilization 

Govkkxor's Wife. How unpleasant it must 
have been for you ! 

Daddie {with a killing air). But I find it quite 
the reverse at this moment, dear lady ! 

Governor's Wife {curtseying). Oh, how can 
you say so, sir ! You do me too much honour. 
Enter Bill, hurriedly, in evening dress. 

Governor. Ah, here is my son at last. Allow 
me to introduce 

Bill {with a start). What.? Da 



Daddie {signalling to him). Charmed, I'm sure! 
Charmed to make the acquaintance of the son of 
so distinguished an official ! 

Bill {aside). Well, I'm blest! 

Enter Footman. 

Footman {announcing guests). The Bishop 
and Mrs. Chanton — Judge Deenlaw and Mrs. Deon- 
law. (Governor, Wife, and Dattgiiter go up l. 
to receive guests. Bill and Daddie come down u.) 

Bill. Look here, Daddie, what's going on? 
80 



Dauuik. Sli! Don't you sec? They've mis- 
taken Lesta for the Prince! 

Hii.i.. And you're playin<»' up to it? 

Daddik. Wliat do you, think? 

FooTiNiAN {announcing). Tlie Head Constable 
and Mrs. Catcheni — tlic Mayor and Mrs. Water- 
(liink. 

Bill. But wliat about tliese private theatricals? 

Daddie. Soul's, my boy, songs! Lesta's to do 
her own songs in her own character — just to keep 
up the incognito. 

Bill. Vou don't mean to say that having come 
here as the Prime she is to })lay her own part and 
})rctend to be herself? 

Daodik. That's about the si/e of it. 

Bill. Oh, my head's like a tee-to-tum and I'm 
as giddy as if 1 stood on a steeple. 

Footman (announcing). The Seneschal and 
Mrs. Sugarsand — the Postmaster and ]\Irs. Peep- 
heuL 

Bill. But what the deuce is it all about? What 
is expected to come of it? 

Daddik. Sh ! Didn't you get your letter? 

Bill. What letter? 

Daddie. The one Tjcsta sent up, ex])laining 
everything. 

Bill. Good heavens, no! What has become of 
it? I'll go and see. (Exit Bh/l.) 

81 



Orchestra enters and takes up position on terrace. 

GovEiiNOB {clapping his hands). I'laces, places, 
places! (Guksts seat themselves right and left of 
stage.) (Clearing his throat.) Colleagues and 
friends! I have persuaded our distinguished guest 
— who is happily endowed with a wondrous gift of 
mimicry — to favour us with imitations of a certain 
music-hall singer. Only a connnon person, I fear, 
one who is never admitted into society like the pres- 
ent, but the more on that account the condescension 
of the illustrious personage who has consented to 
entertain us. (The guests applauA.) 

GovERNoit. Tiiis, dear friends, is not a case of 
the commercial theatre 

Voices. No, no! 

GovERKOR. The august personage who deigns 
to sing to us has higher and nobler considerations, 
and his entertainment, I venture to suggest, will 
be found to be — ahem ! — -strictly moral. 

Bishop. Hear, hear! 

GovEiiNOR. A warning to all our young people 
and a lesson to the age ! 

Daddie. Pickles ! 

Governor. Did you speak, sir? 

Daddie. Precisely ! I said precisely ! 

Governor. Thanks! And now silence, dear 
friends, silence! (Orchestra strikes up. Lesta 
comes out of tent in character and sings her first 
song. Guests applaud. Sunset begins.) 

82 



Ladies. Beautiful ! Charming ! 

Judge. Wonderful ! 

Mayor. Delightful! 

Seneschal. So clever! 

Head Constable. Splendid ! 

Bishop. So elevating! 

Postmaster. So touch — touch — touching! 

Governor's Wife. And so like! I'm sure it's 
like! (To Daddie.) Isn't it like, sir. ^ 

Daddie. Exactly like, dear lady ! 

Governor's Wife. Ah, I can imagine with 
what perfect art and taste the dear Prince has re- 
produced the original. 

Daddie. Perfect, madam, absolutely perfect! 
In fact you couldn't tell the difference between 
them. 

Re-enter Bill. 



Postmaster. And who — who — who 

Daddie. Who is the original.'' 
Postmaster. Yes, who — who is she.'' 
Daughter. She? Is it a woman then.'' 
Daddie. Yes, it's a woman — it's Lesta Lily. 

Ever hear of her.'' {All shake their heads.) No.'' 

Extraordinary ! Most extraordinary ! Such a 

popular favourite, too ! 

Governor's Wife. Let me see — Lesta Lily ! I 

must have heard that name before. 
Daddie. Must have, dear lady ! 
83 



Governor's Wife. She's a favourite, you say? 

Daddie. An immense favourite! The Prince 
knows her intimately. 

Governor. The Prince knows her.? 

Daddie. Nobody better. They're as thick as 
butter. Always together. 

Postmaster. A — a — always .'' 

Daddie. Day and night ! In fact they're like 
the Siamese twins — you can't separate them. 

Governor's Wife. Why, of course, how stupid 
of me ! Now I remember ! Lesta Lily — certainly ! 

Daughter. But, mamma dear, if Lesta Lily is 
a woman 

Governor's Wife. There! Of course! 1 knew 
you A\ould want to argue ! 

Bill {tugging at Daddie's sleeve). Hold hard, 
Daddie — you're letting the cat out of the bag. 
That letter hasn't come, and I've got my eye on 
the Postmaster. 

Governor (clapping his hands as before). Si- 
lence, friends, silence! (Orchestra again. Lesta 
sings her second song.) 

Ladies. How lovely ! 

Head Constable. How sweet ! 

Judge. How fascinating! 

Bishop. And how instructive! 

Governor. Instructive ! That's the word ! As 
my dear colleague says, how instructive I 

84 



Governor's Wife {to Daddie). If Lesta Lily 

is anything like that 

Daddie. Anything like it? My dear lady, it's 
Lesta Lily to the life. 

Governor's Wife. No wonder she's so popular. 
Daddie, Popular ! It's ridiculous ! I dare say 
you think a variety artiste is sometimes out of an 
engagement, but Lesta Lily — never! It did once 
happen that she was "on the out" for half an hour, 
but the moment it became known the street where 
she lives was chokeful of managers — managers after 
managers! Just picture to yourself thirty-two 
thousand managers rushing up four flights of stairs 
to her lodgings on the fourth floor back ! 
Bill (aside). Half time, Daddie! 
Postmaster. The fou — fou — fourth floor? 
Daddie. Did I say the fourth floor? I was for- 
getting that she lives on the first floor. Why, the 
staircase alone cost her I don't know how much. 
And it's a curious sight to see her rooms on Sunday 
afternoon: authors and managers jostling and 
humming like bees ; you can hear nothing but buzz, 
buzz, buzz! Yes, she knows all the literary men. 
For instance, she's on a very friendly footing with 
Swinburne. Sometimes she slaps him on the back 
and says, "How do, Swinny, my boy?" "So, so, 
old man," he replies ; "things might be better." 
Postman. Old ma — ma — man? 
Daddie. Did I say "old man" ? I was thinking 
85 



of till! Prince. Yes, I must admit he lives in great 
style. He gives a supper every Sunday night. 

Governor's Wife. Ah, I can fancy with what 
magnificence the supi)cr.s will be given ! 

Daddie. It's a simple affair, not worth talking 
about ! Tripe and onions, you know, and a bottle 
of Bass to wash it down ! 

Postmaster. The Prin — Prin — Prince? 

Daddie. Did I say the Prince.'' I meant Lesta 
Lil3^ But it's all one — they live together! 

Ladies. Oh! {The company start. 'Ril,^. tugs 
at Daddie's tail.) 

Bill {aside). For the Lord's sake, hold your 
tongue, Daddie ! This is a serious business ! You're 
putting your foot in it ! 

Governor {clapinng his hands). Silence, 
friends, silence ! ( Orchestra again. Lesta sings 
her third song. Chorus of praise from the com- 
pany generally. ) 

Governor's Wife. Well, if Lesta Lily is as 
good as that, she's charming. 

Chorus OF Voices. Charming! Charming! 

Governor's Wife {to Daddie). But tell me — 
what is she like to look at.'' Anything like the dear 
Prince ? 

Daddie. Absurdly like. 

Governor's Wife. You don't say so ! 

Daddie. Once they mistook her for the Prince. 

Governor's Wife. Never! 

86 



Daddie. Fact! You should have seen the 
Guards rushing out of Whitehall and saluting! 

And when she goes to Court 

Governor. She goes to Court, you say? 
Daddie. Constantly, every day, we go to- 
gether. We have a whist club there— the Prince, 
one or two equerries, Lesta, and myself. She nearly 
kills herself over cards. And when she's rushing 
away to get down in time for her ten o'clock turn 
at the Halls, you'll see a nobleman flying after her 
on the stairs with a blacking-brush, thinking she's 
the Prince: "Allow me, your Highness, to clean 
your boots for you." (Daddie laughs. The com- 
'pamj look at each other. Bili. tugs again at Dad- 
die's coat-tail.) 

Bill. That'll do! Stop it, please— please ! 
Daddie. But the funniest thing was when they 
were both staying at the same hotel somewhere. 
The Prince had come down to lay a foundation- 
stone or open a bazaar or something. Suddenly 
he fell ill, and the question was how his place was 
to be taken— who was to fill it? It was a devil of a 
business, because the Prince couldn't tell— he 
couldn't disappoint the people. There was noth- 
ing to be done but come to Lesta. So late at night, 
when everybody was in bed, he went over to her 
room in his dressing-gown 

Ladies. Oh! {The ladies start from their 

chairs in alarm.) 

87 



3iz,i. (aside). Oh, Lord! Oh, Lord! 

Postmaster. Was she in — in — in bed, or ou — 
ou — out ? 

Daddie, Oh, in — I mean out — in and out ! Ill, 
you know. 

Postmaster. But did — did- — -didn't you say it 
was the Pr — Pr — Prince who was ill.-^ 

Daddie. Did I.'' Same thing. Whenever the 
Prince is ill Lesta is ill, too ! Extraordinary fact ! 
Can't account for it ! 

Bill {tugging at Daddie). Good Lord! Will 
you never stop? If you say another word I'll 
scream ! 

Governor (clapping hands). Silence! Silence! 
(Orchestra again; Lesta sings her fourth song; 
universal applause.) 

Governor (clearing his throat). Ahem! Ev- 
erything has a stopping-place except time, dear 
friends, and we must not trespass further on the 
indulgence of our distinguished guest. What he 
has shown us with his admirable art and what our 
eloquent friend (indicating Daddie) has explained 
with his wonderful lucidity, teaches a great, an im- 
proving lesson — that women, like the one in ques- 
tion, whatever their gifts, whatever their fascina- 
tions, their alluring fascinations, are but the creat- 
ures of the great. 

Bishop. Hear, hear ! 

88 



Governor. Shall we take such persons into our 
families ? 

Judge. No, no! 

Governor. Shall we open our hearts to them.'' 

Head Constable. Impossible! 

Governor. Shall we clasp them to our bosoms? 

Bishop. Never ! 

Daddie. Rats ! ( The gong goes off in house 
with a loud hang. Twilight.) 

Governor. Ah, supper! {Company rise.) 
Bill, give 3^our arm to your mother. 

Bill (aside). Oh, Lord, my head's in a whirl! 
Where's that letter? Where? Where? {To Dad- 
die, crossing.) Tell Lesta I'll be back presently. 

Governor. Now Bishop — Judge — Constable — 
Seneschal — Postmaster — will you! {As he names 
them they pair off with ladies and go in. Agatha 
stands waiting.) 

Governor {taking Daddie aside). A word in 
your ear, my friend — Sidney — your name's Sid- 
ney, isn't it? (Daddie nods.) Well, I hear — but 
this is confidential? 

Daddie. Oh, strictly confidential ! 

Governor. I hear that your little friend Lesta 
is in the Isle of Boy. 

Daddie. You don't say so ! 

Governor. Yes, she arrived to-day ! 

Daddie. Well, who would have thought it! 

Talk of the angels 

89 



Governor. Just so ! The little woman must be 
charming, Sid — perfectly charming ! 

Dadbie. Oh, she is, Gov, she is! 

Governor. Do you think now 

Daddie. What ? 

Governor. If I made it worth your while, Sid 
— you could — eh? 

Daddie. Introduce you? Certainly! When 
shall it be. Gov? 

Governor (in a zvhisper). Why not to-night? 
After supper, when everybody's gone to bed, we'll 
creep off 

Daddie (aside). The old tom-cat! (Aloud.) 
Well, no, not to-night- — there's the Prince, you 
know ! 

Governor. Ah, of course! Shall we say to- 
morrow morning, then? 

Daddie. To-morrow morning, by all means ! 

Governor. But not a word to your master ! 

Daddie. Oh, not a word! 

Governor. And not a syllable to my son ! 

Daddie. Not a syllable! (They giggle, laugh, 
xoink, and midge each other xvith their elbows.) 
(Aside.) The old catawaller! (Agatha coughs. 
Governor starts. ) 

Governor (offering his arm). Ah, Agatha, my 
child, I was just saying how sad it is that our sons 
do not follow in the footsteps of their fathers. 

That's the model ( Goes on talking. ) 

90 



Lesta comes bounding down from tent, followed 
slowly by Mammie. The moon rises. 

Lesta {intoxicated with excitement). How's it 
going, Daddie? 

Dadbie. Like a house afire! Did you hear me? 

Lesta. Hear you? Did I nearly crack my sides 
to keep myself from exploding? 

Dadbie. I drew the long bow certainly, but 
then no story is told without a little exaggeration. 
And what do you think now? 

Lesta. What? 

Daddie. Old Cockatoo wants to be introduced 
to you ! 

Lesta. To me? 

Daddie. To Lesta Lily. I'm to bring him 
round in the morning, and the Prince is to know 
nothing about it. 

Lesta. Oh ! Oh ! Oh ! The Lord be with 'em ! 
{They roll about laughing.) 

Mammie {gravely). But, Lesta, do you 
know 

Lesta. Know what, Mammie? 

Mammie. It's high time we were going ! 

Daddie. Going? What nonsense! This sort 
of life just suits me to a T. 

Mammie. I mean it. You've gone far enough 
with this deception ; and after all what's going to 
be the good of it ? Let us get away now — to-night ! 

91 



Daddie. Just when we're getting along so com- 
fortably ? 

Mammie. You don't know what may happen 
next — somebody else may come. And, even if the 
others deserve to be made fools of, there's Bill 

Lesta (putting her hand over Mammie's mouth 
from behind). There, there, there! I know I've 
serious things to think about — very serious — but 
don't ask me to think of them now. Give me until 
to-morrow, Mammie. I can't think of serious 
things to-night ! When the grey old world turns 
its back to the sun it has its face to the merry 
moon, and if we cannot wipe out our troubles we 
can sometimes forget them. Let me forget mine, 
Mammie. To-morrow I'll be Lesta Lily and meet 
the Governor and settle accounts with him. But 
to-night I'm the Prince, and I've a right to fool 
him to the top of his bent. 

Mammie. But what 

Lesta. What am I going to do.'' I don't know 
— I don't care ! The world's turned topsy-turvy 
to-night, and I feel like dancing on my head. I'm 
going to be the Prince a little longer — to feel what 
it is to have the contrast of condition forgotten, 
now that the difference is the other way about — 
to hear the faults I have never committed as a wo- 
man condoned now that I am a man ! I'm going 
to see women as men see them — to make love to the 



darlings and have the lovely dears make love to 
me! 

Daddie. What larks ! Go it, girl, go it ! 

(Lesta and Daddie are laughing and capering 
about, when Agatha enters from house. 
Beautiful picture — seen under the moon- 
light.) 

Agatha. Ah ! 

Lesta. We frightened you, dear young lady ! 

Agatha. Oh, no ! I was not frightened. I was 
only about to say that supper is waiting. 

Daddie {eagerly). Supper .f* Certainly! 
{Gives his arm to Mammie. They go off.) 

Lesta. But I don't want supper — I want to 
speak to you. 

Agatha. To me.'' 

Lesta. May I dare to be so happy as to offer 
you a chair? 

Agatha. Indeed I do not know — I was 
merely sent to tell you— I really ought to be going. 
(Takes seat.) 

Lesta. What a beautiful scarf you are wear- 
ing! 

Agatha. Ah, you only say that by way of 
compliment — you're laughing at our countrified 
fashions ! 

93 



Lesta. Laughing? Impossible! How I should 
love to be that scarf that I might clasp your lovely 
neck. 

Agatha. I don't know what you mean, sir — 
What singular weather we are having! 

Lesta {sitting beside her). Your little lips, 
though, are woi'th all the weather in the world. 

Agatha. I really don't understand — I was go- 
ing to ask you to write some verses in my album. 

Lesta (moving her chair closer). For you, 
Agatha, I will write anything. 

Agatha. I'm so fond of poetry. 

Lesta. I know a lot of all sorts. Say the word 
— what shall it be.'' 

Agatha. I like love-poetry best. 

Lesta (edging closer). 1 know a quantity of 
that sort too. What do you say to this : "Love is 
like a red, red rose. Love is like — love is like — " 
I don't just remember what love is like, but it is 
like it- — and then the verses are of no consequence. 
Instead I offer you my love, my faithful love, 
which ever since your first fond glance — (Falls 
on his knees.) 

Enter Governor's Wife. 

Governor's Wife. Agatha ! 
Lesta (rising). Oh, my stars! The mother! 
Governor's Wife. How dare you, miss.^ 
What's the meaning of this behaviour.? 

94 



Agatha. Mamma, dear, I 

Governor's Wife. Be off from here! D'ye 
hear me, be off ! And don't dare to show your face 
to me again! {Agatha goes in tears.) {Full 
moonlight. ) 

Lesta {suffocating with laughter). I'll make 
love to the old lady too ! 

Governor's Wife. Excuse me, sir, but I con- 
fess I was so astonished at my daughter's con- 
duct — — 

Lesta. Don't mention it ! It was all my fault. 
Forgive me, madam, I did it for love of i/ou — only 
for love of you! 

Governor's Wife. Of me? 

Lesta {throwing herself at her feet). Yes, I 
offer you my love, my faithful love, which ever 
since your first fond glance 

Governor's Wife. But I don't quite compre- 
hend. If I am not mistaken you were on your 
knees a moment ago to my child ! 

Lesta. No, to you ! Despairing of speaking to 
you myself I was praying of your daughter to 
speak for me. 

Governor's Wife. So it was I — but permit me 
to remark that I am, so to speak — well, I am 
married! 

Lesta. Don't mention it ! I mean what matter ! 
Love knows no difference. Let us fly under the 

canopy of heaven ! Let us 

95 



Enter Governor. 

Governor. Rubina ! 

Lest A (rising, aside). Oh, mother! The old 
man! 

Governor. How dare you.^* How dare you 
treat His Highness with such f amiharity .-^ Really 
you behave like an cightccn-year-old girl, not in 
the least like an old woman of forty-five ! 

Governor's Wife. Well, what is it.? What 
have you seen that is so surprising.'' 

Governor (to Lesta). Don't take offence, 
sir, I beg, I pray ! I'm innocent ! Body and soul 
I'm innocent. 

Lesta. Excellency, I love your child ! 

Governor. My child.'' 

Lesta. Do not oppose our happiness, but add 
your blessing to a constant love. 

Governor. Then it's my daughter — 

Governor's Wife. There, now you see — it was 
all on Agatha's account that our guest was pleased 
to fall on his knees, and just as he was asking my 
consent you suddenly blunder in like a cat in a fit. 

Governor (dropping to his knees to Lesta). 
Oh, m}^ God ! Don't do it, your Highness ! Don't 
ruin me ! She's not a Lesta Lily, and you can't 
take her without bringing disgrace on her father. 
Please take anything else your Highness thinks 
fit. Take her! (Indicating wife.) 

96 



Governor's Wife. But don't you understand, 
you blockhead ! His Highness is asking for our 
daughter's hand in marriage ! 

Governor (rising). What? Marriage? 
You're mad ! Excuse her, your Highness ; but 
she's a little wrong in the head sometimes — she 
takes after her father. 

Lesta. But I really wish to marry your child. 

Governor. No, no — it's incredible! I daren't 
believe it — - 

Governor's Wife. Not when he tells you so? 

Governor. He doesn't mean it — I'm not 
worthy of such an honour ! 

Lesta. But I do mean it and if you refuse I 
don't know what may happen. I'm a desperate 
man — if I blow my brains out you will be respon- 
sible ! 

Governor. What? What the devil. He's in 
earnest — really in earnest. Aha ! Oho ! What a 
stroke of luck ! 

Lesta. Have I your consent? 

Governor. My consent i My blessing ! My 
paternal blessing ! 

Enter Bill hurriedly. 

Bill. Lesta ! 

Lesta {rising and signalling to him). Sh! Sh ! 

Governor. Bill, my boy, do you know the 

97 



honour his Highness has conferred on us — he has 
been pleased to ask for your sister's hand ! 

Bill. What ! Agatha ! Impossible ! Incon- 
ceivable ! It cannot be! I tell you it cannot ! It's 
not natural. 

Governor (to Lesta). Excuse him, your 
Highness — although he's my son he's a little wrong 
in the head sometimes — he takes after his mother. 

Bill (aside). Oh, my head's in a whirl — I don't 
know what's going on. 

Lesta (edging up to Bill and offering her hand 
behind her). Yes, I've told your father I love his 
child, and he has given his consent to our marriage. 

Bill (catching and kissing Lesta's hand). 
Well, I'm blest ! 

Governor (rubbing his hands j ay f idly). 
That's all right ! To-morrow we'll meet to settle 
all details of business 

Lesta. But to-night we'll devote to nonsense 
and a romp. 

Enter Agatha, Daddie, Mammie, Judge, Bishop, 
etc., with Ladies. 

Governor. Ah, come here, I've an announce- 
ment to make to you. (All gather round.) Friends 
and colleagues all — see what honour Heaven has 
sent your Governor — he's going to marry his child, 
not to a nobody, but to one of the highest person- 

98 



ages in the land! {Sensation, shaking of hands 
all round.) 

Lesta (taking Agatha for partner). A waltz! 
A wild, intoxicating waltz ! I'll sing you Lesta 
Lily's latest song to it ! 

GovERNOK (calling off). Lights, lights ! And 
play up there — devil take it, play up, you fellows ! 
(Fairy lamps flash out in various colours. Orches- 
tra strikes up. Lesta sings. Company pair off 
and dance to the chorus- — Governor and his Wife, 
Daddie and Mammie, Officials and Ladies — 
Bill only being out. At second chorus Bill drags 
Agatha away and seizes Lesta. As curtain falls 
on the final chorus and shadow dance. Bill is seen 
kissing Lesta madly and dancing in wild joy.) 

Curtain. 



L.ofC. 99 



ACT IV. 



ACT IV. 

Scene: — Same as Act I. 
Time: — The following morning. 

Governor's Wife in armchair at l. with work 
in lap. Secretary at desk, writing. Governor 
striding to and fro with a lordly air, dictating. 

Governor. Now we must reply to our confiden- 
tial correspondent at the Treasury. {Dictating.) 
Dear friend and colleague 

Secretary {writing). Friend and col- 
league 

Governor. I have to acknowledge the receipt 
of your valued communication, and to report an 
extraordinary piece of good fortune which has just 
fallen to my family 

Secretary. Family 

Governor. The Prince arrived in disguise, but, 
thanks to your warning and my long experience in 
such delicate matters, I ferreted out his where- 
abouts directly 

101 



Secretary. Directly. 

Governor. At first the Prince was disposed to 
keep up his incognito, but when he saw that it was 
useless to try to deceive me, he threw off all further 
pretence, and, thank heaven, all went well. 

Secretary. Went well 

Governor. Entering into a little innocent 
scheme for the relief of a domestic difficulty con- 
nected with my son, he accepted my hospitality, 
and before the day was over he was so impressed 
by my vigilance, shrewdness, and devotion to pub- 
lic duty 



Secretary. Public duty 

Governor. That he was pleased to propose for 
the hand of my favourite and only daughter. 

Governor's Wife {dropping her work). My 
dear! 

Governor. Be quiet! You know nothing about 
it. (Dictating.) It was a very serious predica- 
ment, and I confess I was a little frightened at first, 
not daring to hope for so high a reward even for 
long and arduous public services 

Governor's Wife Really, dearest! 

Governor (waving her aside). And it was only 
when he deigned to go down on his knees to me in 
a most aristocratic manner, and to say 

Governor's Wife. But, dearest, he went down 
on his knees to me! 

102 



Governor {again waving her aside). And to 
say — it is all on account of your rare and charm- 
ing qualities 

Governor's Wife. But he said that to Agatha ! 

Governor [raising his voice to drown his 
zmfYs). And I'll blow out my brains if you do 
not condescend to become my father-in-law 

Secretary. Father-in-law 

Governor. That, relying on the mercy of God, 
I consented, and everything came to a happy con- 
clusion. 

Secretary. Conclusion 

Governor. That'll do. Copy it out, and send 
it in by my daughter. (Secretary gathers up 
papers and goes out.) 

Governor's Wife. But of course, dear, the 
Prince meant all that for Agatha. 

Governor. No doubt, no doubt ! He meant it 
for Agatha ; I'm not denying that. But where 
would Agatha be without you and me, my love.? 
Nowhere ! 

Governor's Wife. That's true! 

Governor. Girls can't be too grateful to their 
parents. 

Governor's Wife. They can't! 

Governor. And wives, too — wives can't be too 
thankful to their husbands. 

Governor's Wife. Well, as for that 

Governor. Confess it candidly — you never 
103 



even dreamt of such a thing. Before Agatha was 
born you were the wife of a simple insular Governor, 
and now see what a swell you've hooked for a son- 
in-law. 

Governor's Wife. It's quite too wonderful! 

Governor. Isn't it.'' Just think what a fine 
pair of birds we've become! 

Governor's Wife. Haven't we? 

Governor. We can fly pretty high now. 

Governor's Wife. Of course we can ! 

Governor. — Won't I pepper those rascally of- 
ficials who stole a march on me with the Prince! 
AVon't I let the blackguards have it ! I've a great 
mind to — but, no ! 

Governor's Wife. No, certainly not! What 
are they.'' Only commonplace people. Remember, 
our friends and acquaintances in future will be per- 
sons of quality and distinction. 

Governor. You're right! They're beneath 
me ! May the Lord forgive them. If they were in 
my position for a moment they'd roll me in the mud 
and club me on the head into the bargain. But I 
bear them no malice. Only let 'em mind their p's 
and q's, damn them 

Governor's Wife. What language you use, 
dearest ! 

Governor. Well, what of that — a word doesn't 
hurt. 

104 



Governor's Wife. No, perhaps not, when 
you're only an insular Governor, but when your 
circumstances are altered 

Governor. Of course! Of course! What do 
you think, Rubina? Where should we live in future 
— here or in London ? 

Governor's Wife. In London, of course! 
This island is really too rustic. 

Governor. Very well, London be it then! The 
governorship can go to the devil — eh? 

Governor's Wife. Certainly, my dear! What's 
a governorship now.'' 

Governor. Just so ! Don't you think I may 
get to the top of the tree, Rubina.^ 

Governor's Wife. Of course you may. 

GrOVERNOR. And go to Court, and play whist 
in that club the old equerry talked about, and be 
hail-fellow-well-met with nobs and nabobs and lords 
and baronets? 

Governor's Wife. Undoubtedly, my dear. 

Governor. Rubina, what do you think, shall / 
do as a baronet? 

Governor's Wife. I should say so — beauti- 
fully ! 

Governor. I confess I've a consuming ambition 
to be a lord, though. 

Governor's Wife. Why not? With man it is 
impossible, but with heaven all things are possible. 
105 



Governor. Exactly ! A great voyage becomes 
a ship, and when a man is father-in-law to a Prince, 
confound it — — 

Governor's Wife. Oh, it will be quite too 
lovely ! 

Governor. Won't it? I can see myself travel- 
ling about with him. Councillors, Constables, 
Mayors, Judges, Bishops, and Seneschals flying 
round you on every side. You receive all the pub- 
lic addresses and put them in the waste-paper 
basket. Then you dine with the Prince and sit 
above the Sheriff, and snub the little insular Gov- 
ernors — Eh.^ what.'' How's that for high, old 
lady.'' Ha, ha, ha! (^He laughs until the tears roll 
down his cheeks.) 

Enter the Footman. 

Well, what is it.? 

Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but 
it's half-past ten, and the strange gentleman ain't 
a-stirring yet. 

Governor. The strange gentleman.'' Do you 
refer to the Prince? 

Footman. Are you sure he's a Prince, your Ex- 
cellency ? 

Governor. Am I sure he's a Prince? Of course 
I'm sure he's a Prince. Are you aware that he is 
to marry my daughter? How dare you call him 
the strange gentleman? 

106 



FooTMAX. But he is a strange gentleman, your 
Excellency. When I took up his hot water at half- 
past seven he shouted through the door as he didn't 
shave and I wasn't to enter on any account. And 
when I mentioned his boots he told me to send in the 
maid with them. 

Governor. Well, what of it.'^ You told Curtis 
to take his boots into his bed-room.'* 

FooTMAX. All there is of them, your Excel- 
lency. 

Goverxor's Wife. All there is of them.'* 

FooTMAX. They're threes, m'lady. 

Governor. Threes ? 

Footman. High heels, satin bows, patent- 
leather tops, and pointed toes, your Excellency. 

Governor. Ha, ha, ha! I see now! You've 
been to the wrong room. You took your shaving- 
water to the old lady. 

Footman. The old lady had gone, your Excel- 
lency. 

Governor's Wife and Goverxor. Gone.'' 

Footmax. Before the upper servants were up 
she sent Collins for a cab and went off with every- 
thing. 

Goverxor. Went off with every thing .'' 

FooTMAx. All their bits of sticks, 3^our Excel- 
lency. 

Goverxor. Their bits of sticks.'' 
107 



Footman. I mean their crates and egg-baskets, 
your Excellency. 

Governor's Wife. Well, I declare ! 

Governor (sarcastically). And the old gentle- 
man — did he shout through the door that he didn't 
shave ? 

Footman. No, the old gentleman's been 
a-shaving since seven o'clock, your Excellency. 

Governor. Since seven o'clock. 

Footman. As soon as the old lady was gone 
he got Collins to fetch up the whiskey. 

Governor. Well? 

Footman. He's been a-ringing for shaving- 
water every half a hour since, your Excellency. 

Governor's Wife. Goodness gracious ! 

Governor. All right, my dear ! Leave this to 
me. / think I understand. (Severely.) Jenkyns ! 

Footman. Yes, your Excellency. 

Governor. You're a jackass, Jenkyns. 

Footman. I'm aware, your Excellency. 

Governor (with dignity). Then go to the 
Equerry's room — the right one this time, remem- 
ber — and say the Governor is waiting to receive 
the Prince as soon as the Prince is ready. 

Footman. Certainly, your Excellency. 

(Exit Footman.) 

Governor's Wife. But how strange ! How 
singular ! Do you think there's anything in it ? 

Governor. In what Jenkyns has just been 
108 



saying ? Certainly there is something in it. False- 
hood is in it ; suspicion is in it ; malice is in it ; envy 
is in it ; ignorance is in it. People can't have luck 
like ours, my love, without finding enemies even in 
their own household. God forgive 'em, what fools 
they are too ! How silly ! How stupid ! How 
shortsighted ! But wait — only wait ! Agatha will 
be a Princess soon ! and that will silence everybody. 
Think of it ! Agatha ! our Agatha ! Princess 
Agatha ! Ha, ha, ha, ha ! 

Enter Agatha, letter in hand. 



Ah, talk of the angels 

Agatha. Edwards gave me this type-written 
letter to bring to you and I took the liberty of 
reading it. 

Governor. Quite right, my child. We were 
just talking about your match — your splendid, 
glorious, magnificent match. 

Agatha. But, papa, you can't mean it! 

Governor. Can't mean it, my dear.-^ 

Agatha. You can't be serious, papa. 

Governor. Can't be serious.'* 

Agatha. Last night I thought it was all a joke, 
but it seems you are really in earnest. 

Governor. Really in earnest? 

Agatha. Of course it's impossible — perfectly 
impossible, papa ! 

109 



Governor. Rubina, where am I? Feel if I'm 
in bed, Rubina ! Pinch me ! Punch me — see if I'm 
asleep ! A child of mine has a chance of making 
the finest match ever heard of since the beginning 
of the world and she tells me it's impossible ! 

Agatha. But it's so silly, so ridiculous ! I 
don't know this gentleman — He doesn't know me. 
We never met until yesterday — and now- — I can't ! 
and I won't ! 

Governor. There you are, Rubina ! You go 
to the trouble and expense of bringing a daughter 
into the world — an only daughter — a favourite 
daughter — and she treats you like that! {He ad- 
ances excitedly toward Agatha. His Wife inter- 
cepts him.) 

Governor's Wife. Be calm, dearest. It's a 
blow — a terrible blow 

Governor. You won't miss, won't you.'* Very 
well, I won't either. I won't lift another finger 
to find you a husband if you live a hundred years ! 
More than that, I won't leave you a penny ! I'll 
leave everything I have to my poor relations ! I'll 
leave it to the home for lost dogs ! I'll leave it — 
yes, I'll leave it to Bill 

Enter Bill. 

Bill. I've come to ask you for the last time, 
dad. 

Governor. Ask me what.'' 

110 



Bill. To allow me to marry Lesta. 
Governor {tapping his forehead). Rubina^ 
our children — both of our children ! Isn't there a 
doctor about, Rubina? 

Governor's Wife. Be quiet, Bill ! Don't you 
see how agitated your father is this morning. 

Governor. Fool! Simpleton! Didn't you 
hear that old equerry last night? He had been 
drinking, certainly — but when a man's tipsy he 
lets out everything. Didn't you hear what he said 
about your Lesta and the Prince — that they were 
as thick as butter — regular Siamese twins and you 
couldn't separate 'em.^^ 

Bill. But all that is capable of explanation, 

dad, and if you'll only listen 

Governor. Explanation? Fiddlesticks! Do 
you want the whole island to laugh at us? Those 
officials— confound them — they'll laugh enough at 
the Governor when they're told that his daughter 
won't marry the Prince, but when they hear that 

his son wants to marry the Prince's mistress 

Bill. Dad, I'm trying to save you from ridi- 
cule, and if you won't listen, you've only yourself 
to blame. Have I your permission— yes or no? 
Governor. No ! 

Bill. Then I'll go, and you must take the con- 
sequences. 

Governor. Go! You can both go! Block- 
Ill 



heads ! Dunces ! I'll leave everything I have to 
the monkeys at the Zoo ! I'll leave it- — I'll leave it 
to your mother 

Enter Footman. 

Well, what do you want? 

Footman. Beg pardon, your Excellency, but 
the old gentleman 

Governor. H'm! Shaving still, is he.'' 

Footman. He wished me to say that the Prince 
will be here presently. 

Governor (tearing up the letter). Too late! 
Too late ! 

Footman. He also begged me to tell your 
Excellency (Stops, looks round). 

Governor. Why don't you do it then.'' 

Footman. That the charming little lady you 
wished him to introduce to your Excellency 

Governor. Sh ! Sh! You fool, sh ! 

Footman. The charming little lady you wished 
him to introduce to your Excellency 

Governor. Look here — is it necessary to go 
on saying that.'' 

Footman. The charming little lady is in the 
house also, and he will bring her along at the same 
time. 

Governor. What do you say? What the 
deuce ! At the same time. They can't meet here ! 
Tell him to take her away ! Take her away ! 

(Exit Footman.) 
112 



Enter Daddie followed by Lesta in woman's 
costume 

Oh, Lord, here she is ! 

Daddie. Halloa! Thought I would kill two 
birds with one stone, guv. 

Governor. Two birds — one stone? 
Bill. This is Lesta Lily, Dad ! 
Daddie. And this, your Excellency, is the 
Prince ! 

Governor. Lesta Lily ! The Prince ! What's 
the meaning of this tomfoolery.'^ 

Bill. It isn't tomfoolery now. Dad. It's 
earnest — solemn earnest. Lesta Lily and the 
Prince are one and the same person. 

Governor. One and the same person ! You're 
mad! Feel if you're wearing a straight waist- 
coat. Bill. 

Daddie. It isn't Bill who is wearing the 
straight waistcoat. Guv — it's yourself. 
Governor. Myself ! 

Daddie. You've been wearing it ever since you 
received your letter from London, and fell into the 
mare's nest by supporting that a simple variety 
artiste, rehearsing in character, was a Prince trav- 
elling in disguise. 

Governor. Good Lord! Can it be possible? 
To be sure, what was there like a Prince in that 
young stripling? Nothing at all! How could I 
113 



. think it? Idiot of a mutton-head that I am! 
There can't be such another blockhead in all Chris- 
tendom! I must be in my dotage! I didn't used 
to be such a fool! Thirty years I've been in the 
service and nobody could take me in. Rogues and 
rascals have tried to over-reach me, and now— to 
be hoodwinked by a girl ! 

Governor's Wife. But this cannot be, dearest 

the Prince is engaged to Agatha ! 

Governor. Engaged! Bosh! A fig for^your 
"eno'aged!" The Prince is a woman — what's the 
usetf a woman for a husband? Would a womarf 
be any use to you for a husband? I'm crushed— 
regularly crushed! Look at me, Agatha, look!— 
se^how your father's fooled! Ass! Booby! Do- 
tard that I am ! Taking a woman for a man ! A 
music-hall singer for a man of rank! You can 
crow over me now, Agatha! Why don't you 
laugh? Laugh away ! I hear all the world laugh- 
ing! I see nothing but pig's snouts instead of 
faces from one end of the island to the other. 
Agatha. Oh, papa! 

Governor. But if I've been a fool, somebody 
else has been a knave! All this was intended tx) 
trick me, wasn't it? To make me consent to Bill's 
marriage. To compel me to accept not only Lesta 
Lily but her family of mummers also ! Her father 
the equerry— eh? Ha, ha, ha! (To Bill.) And 
you, you fat-nose! You've helped him, haven't 
114 



you? You've helped this old fellow to grind his 
own axe — to climb on my ladder — to shunt himself 

into my house — to 

Lesta (stepping forward). Stop! If you 
must blame anyone, blame me. It wasn't my fault 
that I came here in a false character, but it was my 
fault that I came at all. You had injured and in- 
sulted me, sir. Because I was only a poor girl 
working for a living I was outside your world, and 
had no business to care for your son. And because 
I was only a public singer I was a woman of low 
morals and had no right to marry him. Is work 
so criminal, sir, that a woman cannot earn her own 
bread without putting herself out of the pale of 
respect.'' And is it so wicked to please the public 
that a girl cannot do it and be worthy of the love 
of a good man.'' That's the opinion of nearly all 
such men as you, sir, and it's a lie- — a cruel lie, and 
I wanted to prove it. (Governor drops into a 
seat. ) You brought the poor singer to your house 
as a Prince — and you know what happened ! Did it 
alter everything when my name was altered.'' Did I 
become a new creature when I put on other clothes ? 
Or Avas it that the world itself turned the other way 
about when I ceased to be a woman and became a 
man ? I can't say ! I am too ignorant to understand 
these things. I only know that everything was 
changed, and you went down on your knees 
to thank me when you gave me permission to marry 
115 



your cliild. (Agatha creeps behind her father's 
chair and puts her arms about his neck.) Perhaps 
it was a poor revenge, and I'm not sure it covers 
everything. I know it wasn't playing the game 
fair, and I'm not going to take advantage of my 
victory. I love your son, sir, and I think I should 
have made him a good wife, if you had permitted 
it— but nobody shall say that I have sown dissen- 
sion in your family. {Breaking down.) I'm go- 
ing away ! The public loves me — God bless 'em — 
and so— and so — so I'm — I'm going back to — to 
where I'm wanted — {Turning away). 

Governor {leaping to his feet). No, you're 
not ! You shan't ! Because you are going to stay 
here ! 

Bill. Dad ! 

Agatha. Papa ! 

Governor's Wife. Husband ! 

Governor. I'm rightly served! It's true, if 
heaven wants to punish a man it first drives him 
mad. / was mad — mad with conceit and vanity, 
so I fell into the first fool's trap that lay open at 
my feet. All madmen are vain fools, and all vain 
fools are madmen. I deserve to be a laughing- 
stock — and my downfall is a lesson to toadies and 
touts and time-servers all the world over. But I'm 
not going back on my word — I'm going to face 
the music. Last night, when I thought you were 

116 



the Prince, I gave you my daughter — now, that I 
know you are Lesta Lily, I ask j'ou to take my son. 

Bill. Lesta ! 

Lesta. Bill ! 

Enter Footman. 

Footman (announcing). The Lord Bishop — 
His Honour the Judge— His Worship the Mayor 
— the Head Constable — the Seneschal and the Post- 
master ! 

Lesta. Let me see them — sir. Bill, go up to 
my sitting-room for the presents I was showing 
30U this morning. (Exit Bill.) 

Daddie. And before they come let me cut a 
retreat. Nothing like lopping off your loose ends 
when the enemy's getting at your flank ! I'm off, 
sir ! You'll do better without me, and I'll not 
bother you again ; — but last night, talking of a 
certain little lady — you said she was a stunner and 
a brick — and by God, sir, I'll give you leave to call 
me back when she doesn't fill the bill. Ta-ta ! 

(Exit Daddie, jauntily.) 

Enter the Six Officials on tip-toe, looking round. 

Head Constable. Here's an astounding thing 
happened, sir — but where's your distinguished 
guest .'' 

Governor. Not seen him this morning, gentle- 
men. 

117 



Head Coxstable. Good ! The person we took 
for the Prince is not a Prince, your Excellency. 

Judge. Not a Prince at all — the Postmaster 
found that out from the letter. 

Governor. From what letter? 

Head Constable. A letter he wrote himself. 

Postmaster. To your so- — so — son ! 

Governor. And you opened it? 

Head Constable. Listen! (Reading.) "Dear- 
est Bill, I hasten to tell you I have penetrated the 
mystery of the prince travelling in disguise. — It's 
myself, and the officials of your Isle of Boy are 
taking me for his Royal Highness. Six of them 
have been here already. Such an awful set of 
originals — 3^ou would die of laughing if you could 
see and hear them ! For reasons shortly to be re- 
vealed I intend to play up to their little game, so 
expect " 

Lesta (stepping out). "So expect to see me 
soon in a new character and pray the stars for my 
success." (OrriCL\LS fall back; letter drops.) 

Re-enter Bill, carrying tray, etc. 

Governor. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce 
jMiss Lesta Lily — my future daughter-in-law ! 
Judge (to other Officials). A trick! 
Head Constable. Faked ! 
Mayor. Fooled! 

Bishop. He has known it from the first ! 
118 



Lesta. Bishop, when you called on me at the 
Inn you left something behind you, and I put it 
into this paper. The Church should be generous, 
my lord, but it should scorn to be corrupt. {Gives 
back his money.) Judge, you were suffering from 
a certain emotion when I saw you last, and these 
notes fell out of your fingers : Justice should be 
blind, your Honour, but not stupid. {Gives hack 
his money.) Constable, pretending to think I was 
an impoverished traveller, you gave me something 
from the poor-box — the Police should be pitiful, 
sir, but not pilferers. {Gives back his money.) 
Mayor and Seneschal, when you asked me to do 
you a certain favour, you gave me this little testi- 
monial — public money is a public trust, Mr. ^Nlaj'or, 
and secret commissions is only another name for 
bribes. {Gives back tray, etc.) 

Bill {picking up letter). But you've forgotten 
the Postmaster, and / have something to give him! 

Postmaster. Don — don — don't mention it! 

Bill. Why did you open my letter.'' 

Postmaster. I don — don — don't know ! A 
super — super — natural force imp- — imp — elled me 
to break the se — se — seal ! 

Bill. Well, a supernatural force impels me to 
break your head. But I give you your choice — a 
report to the Postmaster-General, or five kicks ! 

Postmaster. Oh, lo — lor — lord! Have you 
the heart to do — do — do it, sir.'' 

Bill. No, but I've the foot. Which is it to be.? 

119 



Postmaster. Five kic — kic — icks, then! 

Bill,. Come along! 

{Exit Bill, followed hy Postmaster.) 

Lesta {opening petition). I've something «lse 
here, gentlemen, signed by all of you — it's only an 
old story^ — a story of jealousy and envy — as old as 
the story of Joseph and his brethren. If nothing 
happens I'll keep it for my private reading, but 
if any of you should ever whisper a word against 
anybody in this house I might be tempted to read 
it to the Governor also. 

Postmaster {voice heard outside). On — on — 
one! {Fervently.) Tw — tw — two! {More fer- 
vently.) Thr — thr — three! {Still more fervent- 
ly.) Fou — fou — four! {With aloud cry.) Fi — 
fi — five ! 

Re-enter Bill, with the right leg of his trousers 
doubled up. A cannon-shot is heard. All 
start. 

Governor. What's that? 

Bill {at back). A yacht in the bay! A royal 
yacht ! 

Enter Secretary, followed hy Naval Officer. 

Naval Officer {saluting). His Royal High- 
ness Prince Henry has arrived on a visit to the Isle 
of Boy and requests the attendance of the Lieu- 
tenant-Governor and his executive. 

{Exit Officer.) 
120 



(All utter simultaneously ejaculations of amaze- 
ment. Governor's Wife and Daughter run up 
to balcony.) 

Governor. Gentlemen, wc are all friends now. 
We have learned our lesson and buried our bitter- 
ness, so we'll go down to the quay together to wel- 
come the real Prince. 

Voices. Hurrah ! The Prince ! The Prince ! 
(Band heard outside.) 

Lest A. And I'll sing the Royal Chorus to set 
you off ! 

(Lesta sings the Chorus of a song she sung in 
previous Act. Governor and Officials repeat it, 
singing together as they go off.) (Exeunt.) 

( When they are gone. Bill comes down and 
Lesta falls into his arms. They sit on sofa, face 
to audience. Band and procession going under 
window. ) 

Agatha (on balcony). The Prince is coming 
ashore in a launch. They're blowing off steam. 

Bill (kissing Lesta). So am I, Agatha! 

Agatha (looking off). Easy ho! Half speed! 
Slow astern ! Keep her close ! Brace her up, boy ! 

Bill (embracing and kissing Lesta). I will! 
I will ! 

(Cheers, shouts, singing, firing of guns, etc., as 
Curtain fcdls.) 

[the end] 
121 



jUN O i^w 



THE ISLE OF BOY 




A Comedy 

By 

HALL CAINE 



# 



